Silly sanity, who needs it?
As if you needed further proof that my mind is whacked out, allow me to grant you access to my recent ponderings..........
Ya know how you go thru your day, mindlessly performing routine tasks, and the brain seizes the opportunity to just completely trip out?
Please say yes.
It happened to me yesterday. There I was, minding my own business, going through the motions, when it suddenly occurred to me that I could have cancer. I spent the next hour or so inventing the worst-case scenarios from diagnosis to death, "acting out" every feeling and behavior I assumed that would involve - all in my mind of course.
But things got better.
On break at work, I stepped out back for a little fresh air. There, on the lawn, was a beautiful Cardinal. The Cardinal is Nick's way of contacting me, of this much I am certain. I believe I posted this as a comment somewhere else, so for those of you who aren't familiar with the subject, I will explain briefly.
When I was at my darkest, deepest point of depression, planning on how I could effectively end it all without any mess or missed opportunity, he came to see me. I was letting the dogs out in the backyard, and there he was, on the fence.
Now, my yard is a tiny 20x20-ish secluded area with no trees or anything ornamental. It is a square of dog shit encrusted, weed infested, barren wasteland, surrounded by concrete and fences. We have a cement block industrial building on the one side, a high wall with the street above it on the other side (my yard is sunken, entry from the basement; we're built on a hill), our home, and a gate leading to a rear driveway on the other side. No other yards touch ours. The closest bit of nature near my home is a good 200 yards away. If it wasn't for this patch of grass we own, we'd be nothing but a slab of rock in the middle of town.
Why this beautiful bird chose to land on my fence, I can't explain. Curiosity, maybe. We don't have wildlife; if the lack of vegetation isn't enough to keep the critters away, the dogs certainly would. Yet, here he was, just sitting there in all his crimson finery, ignoring the two slobbering mutts merely inches away. He did not leave. And the dogs ignored him.
Something clicked in my head, and I recognized him as a special visitor. I remember saying, "Thank you, Nick. I love you.", and he gently flittered off on his way. The fog began to lift around that time, and I have since seen a Cardinal now and then when I guess I really needed it.
When I lived in OK and VA, Cardinals were a fairly common site. I honestly can't say I have seen all that many around these parts, so whenever I do, it's a pretty awesome thing.
So, last evening, at work, there he was picking at some goodies on the lawn. Some other tiny little brown birds joined him, and I swear to you they were playing some sort of birdie games. It looked fun, and I was entranced watching them. Someone else came out to join me, and the Cardinal flew off to sit in a tree, still within sight, gleaming brilliantly red among the green leaves. I was distracted, thinking sad, loving, Nick-related thoughts to myself as I tried to telepathically transmit them to this bird. It was about this time that the mind games began.
Mind games: I'm pregnant. I bet I am. I'm not pregnant, stop it. But what if I am? What if I am?Shit, it's not going to be good. It won't take. I'm fucked up. Can I handle another loss? Yes, I can handle another miscarriage or two or three, just as long as it happens early. I could not handle another late loss. No, so I don't need to worry about that because this one would be lost very early. Oh my god what if it is a multiple. My whacked out body wouldn't let them form properly, so I probably have some misshapen blob growing in there. A twin that didn't separate right. Or triplets. What if one of them makes it and the other two aren't viable. I guess that would be okay. Weird, yes, but as long as I get to take one baby home I guess I could deal with it. Can you just imagine finding out. "You've got three!". Great. I blankly stare at the wand monkey. "Aren't you happy?" No. "Why?" Because I know I won't get to keep all three. I grab the doctor by his white coat lapel and tell him he has one chance to give me a baby, dammit, and he had better fucking make sure I get one. And what if I lose one early, one is chromosomally damaged, and one is perfect. Then what? I should be happy, right? What the hell is wrong with me, and why am I thinking these crazy thoughts? Rhetorical question, of course, because, well, I am crazy. Ok, that makes sense. Shit, is my break over already?
Now, if someone told me they had a dream one night like this, I'd probably think, you're a little weird, but it was just a dream, you can't help what you dream. But during waking hours? Daydreams are supposed fun and frivolous. It would be different if I was shmokin' something good, not just taking a break from reality. Frustrating.
The triplet thing stuck with me all night, try as I might to shake it, it kept creeping back into my head. What would I do? I tried to take my mind off of it by thinking about the tattoo I want. I have the heart, I have the flower, but it is missing something... maybe if I add little baby feet... hmmm that could be neat. [*] So, I'm designing this tattoo in my head (while working! Yes! I am multitasking!). This little activity takes me through to the end of my shift. Thank my lucky stars (ha. haha. haha.), the night is over, I can go home. Whew.
I work in the boondocks, and we have all sorts critters that wander around at the back of the facility. They keep to themselves, mostly, but since some people think it's okay to feed them, they tend to be a little bit more tame than I feel is properly acceptable. We've enjoyed the families of ducks from hatching of eggs to leaving the nest, the opossums that freak me the fuck OUT, and recently, a family of raccoons with their little ones beginning to wander away from mom and dad. Last night, three of these little coon babies were feasting on some breadcrumbs and critter feed that was left out for them. (Yes, we have a large bag of Purina Animal Feed available. Why??) These cute little buggers were no more afraid of me than I was of them. They were right at the edge of the sidewalk, ready to run if they felt the fear, and I was well aware that Mamma Coon could very well come charging at me if I wasn't careful. I gingerly stepped past them on the way to my vehicle. They were sooooooo damn cute, I swear I wanted to take one home. I quickly lost all track of cognitive thought processes once the radio came on, and I wandered my way home ready for bed.
This morning it hit me. What is UP with things coming in threes???
[*] tattoo - how many objects am I considering? Three.
Just shoot me now.
Ya know how you go thru your day, mindlessly performing routine tasks, and the brain seizes the opportunity to just completely trip out?
Please say yes.
It happened to me yesterday. There I was, minding my own business, going through the motions, when it suddenly occurred to me that I could have cancer. I spent the next hour or so inventing the worst-case scenarios from diagnosis to death, "acting out" every feeling and behavior I assumed that would involve - all in my mind of course.
But things got better.
On break at work, I stepped out back for a little fresh air. There, on the lawn, was a beautiful Cardinal. The Cardinal is Nick's way of contacting me, of this much I am certain. I believe I posted this as a comment somewhere else, so for those of you who aren't familiar with the subject, I will explain briefly.
When I was at my darkest, deepest point of depression, planning on how I could effectively end it all without any mess or missed opportunity, he came to see me. I was letting the dogs out in the backyard, and there he was, on the fence.
Now, my yard is a tiny 20x20-ish secluded area with no trees or anything ornamental. It is a square of dog shit encrusted, weed infested, barren wasteland, surrounded by concrete and fences. We have a cement block industrial building on the one side, a high wall with the street above it on the other side (my yard is sunken, entry from the basement; we're built on a hill), our home, and a gate leading to a rear driveway on the other side. No other yards touch ours. The closest bit of nature near my home is a good 200 yards away. If it wasn't for this patch of grass we own, we'd be nothing but a slab of rock in the middle of town.
Why this beautiful bird chose to land on my fence, I can't explain. Curiosity, maybe. We don't have wildlife; if the lack of vegetation isn't enough to keep the critters away, the dogs certainly would. Yet, here he was, just sitting there in all his crimson finery, ignoring the two slobbering mutts merely inches away. He did not leave. And the dogs ignored him.
Something clicked in my head, and I recognized him as a special visitor. I remember saying, "Thank you, Nick. I love you.", and he gently flittered off on his way. The fog began to lift around that time, and I have since seen a Cardinal now and then when I guess I really needed it.
When I lived in OK and VA, Cardinals were a fairly common site. I honestly can't say I have seen all that many around these parts, so whenever I do, it's a pretty awesome thing.
So, last evening, at work, there he was picking at some goodies on the lawn. Some other tiny little brown birds joined him, and I swear to you they were playing some sort of birdie games. It looked fun, and I was entranced watching them. Someone else came out to join me, and the Cardinal flew off to sit in a tree, still within sight, gleaming brilliantly red among the green leaves. I was distracted, thinking sad, loving, Nick-related thoughts to myself as I tried to telepathically transmit them to this bird. It was about this time that the mind games began.
Mind games: I'm pregnant. I bet I am. I'm not pregnant, stop it. But what if I am? What if I am?Shit, it's not going to be good. It won't take. I'm fucked up. Can I handle another loss? Yes, I can handle another miscarriage or two or three, just as long as it happens early. I could not handle another late loss. No, so I don't need to worry about that because this one would be lost very early. Oh my god what if it is a multiple. My whacked out body wouldn't let them form properly, so I probably have some misshapen blob growing in there. A twin that didn't separate right. Or triplets. What if one of them makes it and the other two aren't viable. I guess that would be okay. Weird, yes, but as long as I get to take one baby home I guess I could deal with it. Can you just imagine finding out. "You've got three!". Great. I blankly stare at the wand monkey. "Aren't you happy?" No. "Why?" Because I know I won't get to keep all three. I grab the doctor by his white coat lapel and tell him he has one chance to give me a baby, dammit, and he had better fucking make sure I get one. And what if I lose one early, one is chromosomally damaged, and one is perfect. Then what? I should be happy, right? What the hell is wrong with me, and why am I thinking these crazy thoughts? Rhetorical question, of course, because, well, I am crazy. Ok, that makes sense. Shit, is my break over already?
Now, if someone told me they had a dream one night like this, I'd probably think, you're a little weird, but it was just a dream, you can't help what you dream. But during waking hours? Daydreams are supposed fun and frivolous. It would be different if I was shmokin' something good, not just taking a break from reality. Frustrating.
The triplet thing stuck with me all night, try as I might to shake it, it kept creeping back into my head. What would I do? I tried to take my mind off of it by thinking about the tattoo I want. I have the heart, I have the flower, but it is missing something... maybe if I add little baby feet... hmmm that could be neat. [*] So, I'm designing this tattoo in my head (while working! Yes! I am multitasking!). This little activity takes me through to the end of my shift. Thank my lucky stars (ha. haha. haha.), the night is over, I can go home. Whew.
I work in the boondocks, and we have all sorts critters that wander around at the back of the facility. They keep to themselves, mostly, but since some people think it's okay to feed them, they tend to be a little bit more tame than I feel is properly acceptable. We've enjoyed the families of ducks from hatching of eggs to leaving the nest, the opossums that freak me the fuck OUT, and recently, a family of raccoons with their little ones beginning to wander away from mom and dad. Last night, three of these little coon babies were feasting on some breadcrumbs and critter feed that was left out for them. (Yes, we have a large bag of Purina Animal Feed available. Why??) These cute little buggers were no more afraid of me than I was of them. They were right at the edge of the sidewalk, ready to run if they felt the fear, and I was well aware that Mamma Coon could very well come charging at me if I wasn't careful. I gingerly stepped past them on the way to my vehicle. They were sooooooo damn cute, I swear I wanted to take one home. I quickly lost all track of cognitive thought processes once the radio came on, and I wandered my way home ready for bed.
This morning it hit me. What is UP with things coming in threes???
[*] tattoo - how many objects am I considering? Three.
Just shoot me now.
posted by Julie at 11:42 AM
2 Comments:
OK...so now you know I HAVE to comment. :o)
Are you drinking coffee? Because it sounds like you're drinking way too much of it.
I have had some bizarre dreams...mostly when I'm sleeping. I think the only reason I don't have them now when I'm awake is because I deliberately stay busy so I can't think. I remember some pretty scary thoughts the first couple of weeks, so I dove into a bunch of projects to avoid them from getting any scarier.
Could you be pregnant? What about October? {wink, wink}
You're wigging out -- call the loony bin! After all you've been through, I think it would be more worrisome if you didn't have all those crazy thoughts. I hope the cardinal was your son's way of bringing you some good news. At the very least, he was saying that everything is going to be okay. Hang onto that.
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