I really have other things I should be doing
Ho hum. To post or not to post, that is the question. Not much to say, really. Sometimes, I feel that if I have a particular subject that is weighing on my mind, and I know that IRL friends (not to mention spouses) would not comprehend, that if I take it to blogland, someone, somewhere, will commiserate. Or concur. Or comment. Big G doesn't understand the technical stuff. He says so outright. I don't get it, I don't want to get it, you deal with it, and don't freak on me.
So little things here and there have been on my mind, whodathunkit.
Traditionally, I bleed by 6 or 7 weeks. I'm hoping for the best two out of three. The best being babies carried to term, or at least close. No heartbeat, one m/c, check. One heartbeat, a gajillion other problems over 35 weeks, dead baby, check. So I'm fretting over a second trimester loss to complete the trifecta, or possibly another early loss which leaves us with egg on our face.
On the upside of this, is the comparison of labs from the early weeks of Nick's stay in Julie's Womb of Woe to the new occupant(s') results. Last year, at exactly 6weeks (42 days from LMP), my progesterone was a mere 17.9; within normal limits, but I had been put on Prometrium due to the bleeding. He told me it was 'ok', and that I could stop the supplements. I began to bleed again. I restarted the med, and the bleeding went away. Which has always led me to believe that "my" normal may not be what one would consider "normal", ya know?
Anyway.... so this new one.... at 4w3d (32 days from LMP), the little overacheiver is boasting a progesterone level of a whopping 28. Nearly two weeks less (1w4d), and the level is >50% higher. Did I calculate and/or express that correctly? Somebody correct me, I hate to be too optimistic. I dare say that might have some potential. Not having serial betas to compare, I am at a loss to assume everything else is going swell, but at least I can take solace in the stellar 50/50 chance of hope.
But, I am refusing to get my hopes up. I won't be able to breathe a sigh of relief until I hold a screaming baby in my arms, probably not even then. Why does this have to be so difficult for any of us? I shoulda been a crackwhore.
G is convinced it's a girl. Or better yet, twin girls. Like Roxanne said, I want A Live. That's all I'm asking. This whole process takes too long, in my opinion. I'm waiting for the worst to happen in the next couple of weeks, and then will be holding my breath for the duration. I can't be optimistic. Even if it holds on through my "panic window", who knows if there's not some other problem lurking around the corner. My time spent with Nick was pins-and-needles more often than not, and I didn't even get a consolation prize.
And, again, to contrast my doom and gloom bipolar-ness, I honestly do not sit and dwell on this for hours on end each day. Really! I have found myself wondering what it is I am supposed to be fretting over, and have to think a minute before I recall, oh yeah, I'm pregnant. THAT'S why I'm supposed to be preoccupied and worried. It's kind of like when you remember that you're supposed to be remembering something, but you forgot what it was you're supposed to remember. Then, I start to think. I'm trying to keep busy with other things. And, even though I'm not inclined to complain about my symptoms, I am happy to report that they do exist aplenty. Sore boobies, lightheadedness, nausea, ravenous hunger, extreme exhaustion.... all in place at the appropriate time. I wonder if perhaps they might even be a little magnified for some reason or another. It could very well be that I have become so 'in tune' with all the goings-on in my wonky bod that I'm just more acutely aware of their presence. Who knows.
I need a tall glass of milk and a shot of Kahlua.
So little things here and there have been on my mind, whodathunkit.
Traditionally, I bleed by 6 or 7 weeks. I'm hoping for the best two out of three. The best being babies carried to term, or at least close. No heartbeat, one m/c, check. One heartbeat, a gajillion other problems over 35 weeks, dead baby, check. So I'm fretting over a second trimester loss to complete the trifecta, or possibly another early loss which leaves us with egg on our face.
On the upside of this, is the comparison of labs from the early weeks of Nick's stay in Julie's Womb of Woe to the new occupant(s') results. Last year, at exactly 6weeks (42 days from LMP), my progesterone was a mere 17.9; within normal limits, but I had been put on Prometrium due to the bleeding. He told me it was 'ok', and that I could stop the supplements. I began to bleed again. I restarted the med, and the bleeding went away. Which has always led me to believe that "my" normal may not be what one would consider "normal", ya know?
Anyway.... so this new one.... at 4w3d (32 days from LMP), the little overacheiver is boasting a progesterone level of a whopping 28. Nearly two weeks less (1w4d), and the level is >50% higher. Did I calculate and/or express that correctly? Somebody correct me, I hate to be too optimistic. I dare say that might have some potential. Not having serial betas to compare, I am at a loss to assume everything else is going swell, but at least I can take solace in the stellar 50/50 chance of hope.
But, I am refusing to get my hopes up. I won't be able to breathe a sigh of relief until I hold a screaming baby in my arms, probably not even then. Why does this have to be so difficult for any of us? I shoulda been a crackwhore.
G is convinced it's a girl. Or better yet, twin girls. Like Roxanne said, I want A Live. That's all I'm asking. This whole process takes too long, in my opinion. I'm waiting for the worst to happen in the next couple of weeks, and then will be holding my breath for the duration. I can't be optimistic. Even if it holds on through my "panic window", who knows if there's not some other problem lurking around the corner. My time spent with Nick was pins-and-needles more often than not, and I didn't even get a consolation prize.
And, again, to contrast my doom and gloom bipolar-ness, I honestly do not sit and dwell on this for hours on end each day. Really! I have found myself wondering what it is I am supposed to be fretting over, and have to think a minute before I recall, oh yeah, I'm pregnant. THAT'S why I'm supposed to be preoccupied and worried. It's kind of like when you remember that you're supposed to be remembering something, but you forgot what it was you're supposed to remember. Then, I start to think. I'm trying to keep busy with other things. And, even though I'm not inclined to complain about my symptoms, I am happy to report that they do exist aplenty. Sore boobies, lightheadedness, nausea, ravenous hunger, extreme exhaustion.... all in place at the appropriate time. I wonder if perhaps they might even be a little magnified for some reason or another. It could very well be that I have become so 'in tune' with all the goings-on in my wonky bod that I'm just more acutely aware of their presence. Who knows.
I need a tall glass of milk and a shot of Kahlua.
posted by Julie at 5:40 PM
3 Comments:
I'd like to think I wouldn't be playing the numbers game when and if I get pregnant again but it'll be hard.
I think forgetting to fret is probably a good thing for now. I mean, you will be fretting subconsciously anyway, so not being aware for some of the time will be a good start to getting to the end in tact.
And I have had too many days where I wonder about the virtues of becoming a crackwhore in order to up my chances...do you think that's cynical?? LOL:)
Ditto what Jill says about forgetting to fret. If I ever manage a pregnant day where I don't fret (assuming I get there again) I will relish it wholeheartedly, since I'm sure it'll be a fleeting thing!
The progesterone number sounds good to me, too...
some days i fret mightily, and some days i want to fret so much that i can't - like some defense mechanism kicks in and makes me numb when it's going to be more than i (or the tadpole) can bear.
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