With a capital "B"
I have never been described as being perky, overly optimistic, or even downright friendly. Most people tell me I'm quiet, polite, shy, or possibly even sullen. I keep to myself. You leave me alone, I'll leave you alone. Pretty much, I'm a private person.
That's in real life, of course. I feel our alter egos are allowed fresh air when we blog.
Today, I felt my inner bitch unsheathe her claws. It took a good bit of restraint not to tear hunks of smarmy flesh from a woman I know. Actually, a gouging would have been the cherry on top. What I wanted to do, was grab her perfectly little hair-do'd head and smash it into a wall, kicking her squarely in the ribs on her way down. Then, I could tear her to shreds. Oh, it feels so good just to visualize.
----------
I haven't been testing my blood sugar since late May. Everything was fine, back to normal, after the delivery. The doc said to check it once a week or so just to make sure (gestational diabetes can turn into more for some people). I did so, diligently, for a little while. To go from 4x a day testing to stopping cold turkey just didn't seem right, so I slowly weaned myself down until we agreed I was a-ok.
I took it yesterday after coffee (Splenda only)... 99. Sigh. I'll try a fasting test tomorrow morning.
----------
After reading Catherine's post, I got to thinking. How long has it been? I feel like real shit for not keeping track. I stopped counting the weeks, and I guess sometime this summer I must've stopped counting altogether. Not that I will ever, ever forget; not that I will ever be over it; not that anything else has overtaken that grief in my mind, the ache in my heart... I just refer to "February" and leave it at that. I still cry - alot. I feel cheated, and angry, and jealous, sad, mad, bad, guilty, awful, defective, you name it. I still want a reason "why".
And then I think, why lose any sleep over the new one. There's not a damn thing I can do that will make one bit of difference to the outcome. Either it will or it won't. And I hate that.
So I look at the calendar, and count. One day shy of 7 months after losing Nick, I will be getting the first ultrasound on the new one. The new one I imagine that he helped pick out just for me. If one believed in reincarnation, perhaps one could hope he will be returning to me. At the very least, maybe he chose a worthy angel for me. Assuming, of course, that I believe in any of that. Which I can't say that I do, but it sounds all warm and fuzzy, doesn't it?
At the cemetery on Saturday, I told Nick about the one on the way. (Of course, I'm sure he already knew). I gave Josh a big hug, and said "You'll be a big brother one of these days". He said, Mom, I already am. Nick is my brother.
And I thought to myself, that doesn't count. And this is not fair. And I'm *this* close to losing my grip.
That's in real life, of course. I feel our alter egos are allowed fresh air when we blog.
Today, I felt my inner bitch unsheathe her claws. It took a good bit of restraint not to tear hunks of smarmy flesh from a woman I know. Actually, a gouging would have been the cherry on top. What I wanted to do, was grab her perfectly little hair-do'd head and smash it into a wall, kicking her squarely in the ribs on her way down. Then, I could tear her to shreds. Oh, it feels so good just to visualize.
----------
I haven't been testing my blood sugar since late May. Everything was fine, back to normal, after the delivery. The doc said to check it once a week or so just to make sure (gestational diabetes can turn into more for some people). I did so, diligently, for a little while. To go from 4x a day testing to stopping cold turkey just didn't seem right, so I slowly weaned myself down until we agreed I was a-ok.
I took it yesterday after coffee (Splenda only)... 99. Sigh. I'll try a fasting test tomorrow morning.
----------
After reading Catherine's post, I got to thinking. How long has it been? I feel like real shit for not keeping track. I stopped counting the weeks, and I guess sometime this summer I must've stopped counting altogether. Not that I will ever, ever forget; not that I will ever be over it; not that anything else has overtaken that grief in my mind, the ache in my heart... I just refer to "February" and leave it at that. I still cry - alot. I feel cheated, and angry, and jealous, sad, mad, bad, guilty, awful, defective, you name it. I still want a reason "why".
And then I think, why lose any sleep over the new one. There's not a damn thing I can do that will make one bit of difference to the outcome. Either it will or it won't. And I hate that.
So I look at the calendar, and count. One day shy of 7 months after losing Nick, I will be getting the first ultrasound on the new one. The new one I imagine that he helped pick out just for me. If one believed in reincarnation, perhaps one could hope he will be returning to me. At the very least, maybe he chose a worthy angel for me. Assuming, of course, that I believe in any of that. Which I can't say that I do, but it sounds all warm and fuzzy, doesn't it?
At the cemetery on Saturday, I told Nick about the one on the way. (Of course, I'm sure he already knew). I gave Josh a big hug, and said "You'll be a big brother one of these days". He said, Mom, I already am. Nick is my brother.
And I thought to myself, that doesn't count. And this is not fair. And I'm *this* close to losing my grip.
posted by Julie at 5:04 PM
6 Comments:
Monday afternoon cry....thank you.
Sometimes visualizing tearing someone to shreds is allmost as good as the real thing, if you're very imaginative.
I do believe in all that reincarnation mumbo-jumbo, and I'm sure that Nick played a part in your new baby. Certain of it.
Kids seem to carry the sharpest knives to twist in our hearts - no matter how they do it. It sounds like all of your offspring are combining to make you feel close to the edge:( I am so sorry about this. Just hold on (((hugs))).
And I seriously hope that our little ones do have some involvement in choosing their siblings, but if not, the new little ones will always be a reminder anyway.
i was hoping you'd show your party side and come to our rocktoberfest, but if the choices are: (a) sullen or (b) violent, maybe we'll ask you to stay in the yard. no really, i hope you can come!
i don't believe in the mumbo-jumbo, either, but if there is any truth to it, then i hoped hans picked out someone healthy, with no life-threatening birth defects, for his brother or sister. 'cause honestly i don't think i can take another round of that.
Please don't let my obsession with the passage of time depress you. I feel anchored in the middle of a whitewater river...marking the calendar is the only way I can keep an eye on the shore and assure myself I'm not going to drown.
You did good with Josh. And you did good with Nick. And you're doing great with the new one. It all counts. And it all makes you an amazing woman and an even more amazing mom.
PS...Keep an eye on the blood sugar. You'll feel better (physically at least) if you keep it level. [/lecture] :o)
I would have lost it for sure, kids sure say the darndest things. The only thing I know is this is the baby you are supposed to get, however that happens.
When you've stopped counting the months (if not weeks), I think it means you've hit another milestone. The raw edges of the grief (and all of its ancilliary emotions -- anger, frustration, helplessness) have been worn off and you can start to be more present again. It's a wonderful thing that you have a new life to start looking forward to and whether or not Nick had anything to do with the choosing, I'm sure it will be the baby that you're meant to have.
Post a Comment
<< Home