Oh no you didn't (momisms)

You did NOT just say that.

Mommy dearest had been here slightly over 2 hours, and we all went out for dinner. During that time she managed to offend me, my family, the people sitting near us, my neighbors back at the house, and quite possibly the dogs as well.
Now, I am well aware that I sometimes can be a little boisterous, crass, or inappropriate. Cut me some slack. This woman, however, takes things to a whole new level. In an effort to share my pain, I will be collecting her little gems to share with you upon their departure. Enjoy.

So, are you hoping for a girl this time? I sure am.
(I really don't care mom, as long as it's alive...)
Yeah, that would be a nice change. I don't know how you keep trying.

My god, would you look at that woman? If she eats any more her pants will split.
(Her husband was still at the table behind us).

You know what would make a statement? Give our waitress a nickel. That would show her.

I sure hope God is kind to you this time around. When will you find out if it's Down's? They're such nice people. They really aren't as much trouble as other types of handicaps.

Hey guess, what? We got some new people on our bowling league. My new friend is Brenda. She's as black as the ace of spades. But she can bowl.
(My father tried to shut her up at that one, he really did try, bless him. He knew what was coming).
Oh, hush, you know what I mean. I'm not a bigot, but you know that if my sisters back home knew I hung out with Afro-Americanos, they'd be like "Mary!"
(This time, I tried to change the subject).
I don't know where my family got their attitudes, I really don't. Hell, we never even HAD any in my town - they weren't allowed. I was a senior in highschool before I saw my first one.
(Josh: First one of what?)
A negro. They're no different than us, really. Some of them are actually pretty nice.

Hey, would you look at that! Those people finally painted their house. And got a new porch! It's about time, it was looking really run down.
(Aaaannd.... the neighbor was standing in their yard).

Josh, are you using anything on your face, honey? You need to get control of those pimples before they scar your face like grandpa's.
(Reminds me of when I was expecting Josh [a 9lb9oz bundle of joy]. I was, of course, enormous. She asked me, "Can you still get clothes at the store, sweety, or are you having them made now?" Does wonders for the ego.)

Have you tried those new "swifter" things, yet? I bet they could help you get control of all your dust.

I like your haircolor this time, is that natural? I like how the grey highlights really add sparkle. Who needs a beautician for that, when you can just let it go, huh?

Well, I guess your diet will have to wait again. You were finally starting to look like it might work. That's okay, hun, there's just more of you to love.

Hey, how is (MIL) doing? Is she in a home, yet? Or are you still having to go take care of her for them? So much work for you, and I bet they don't say thanks, either. I don't see why they just don't find a place for her, that's no way to live.
(Like a nursing home IS?) (And she asked this within earshot of the hubby...)(Yes, he heard it.)

That little girl next door sure has grown up. And out. She's gotten quite chubby, hasn't she? But she's pretty, in her own way.
(In her own way... she used to piss me off with that statement SO MUCH when I was a teenager. To her, it is not an insult. To the rest of the world, yeah, it is. In it's own way.)

Well, you certainly smell better.
(To Josh, after a shower.)

Anyway, you get the picture. I either tuned it out or she stopped being an ass sometime late Saturday. I'm sure there are more examples, but I'm spent. It was a long weekend. I love my parents to death, and there's nothing they wouldn't do for us if they could. I am grateful to have both of my parents alive, and still together after all these years, but there are times I am glad we don't live in the same town.