Thank you Sir, and may I have another?

Optimism (op'teh-miz-hem)
n.
1. the tendency to take the most hopeful or cheerful view of matters or to expect the best outcome
2. the doctrine or belief that good ultimately prevails over evil
3. a state of delusional bliss when negativity threatens to consume an individual

Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. To hell with magical spectacles and mutant weeds. This is my life, and I have to live "in the moment". To not do so would place me directly into a padded room. A soft, cozy padded room with meal service and ample opportunity for medicated slumber.

Yesterday. All my troubles seemed so far away. Then, I woke up.
Where is a falling anvil when you need one?

~ Chapter I, in which our fair maiden is not amused ~

Summons:
For a Summary Case; Non-Traffic
Charge: Disorderly Conduct
Nature of Offsense: Def. with intent to cause public inconvenience, annoyance or alarm, or needlessly creating a risk thereof - engaged in fighting or threatening, or in violent tumultuous behavior thus created a hazardous condition by any act which served no legitimate purpose.
Fine: $300 plus costs
(or, of course, COURT... guess my choice)

~ Chapter II, where tranquility is but a dream ~

'Twas a clear and mild evening. The clouds had drifted gently eastward, and the moon shone brightly, illuminating the stars. We had settled into the warm, safe bosom of our humble abode, quietly enjoying our impromptu take-out meal of greasy burgers and tepid diet soda, as the dogs lay sleeping on the unvaccumed floor. Fretting over an upcoming exam, I paid nary a mind to the squakbox blaring in the other room, nor the dishes piled high in the kitchen sink. And neither did the dogs. The Boy, ever mindful of his mother's need for unfettered concentration, was engaged in a lively phone conversation with an unidentified individual of the female persuasion.

"KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK", the door interjected, eliciting raised ears and eyebrows from my snoozing canine companions. "Ding! Ding Dong DINGDINGDING Dong!", insisted the doorbell, impatiently. I arose from my desk, stepping over the vicious watchdogs to greet the visitor awaiting my reply.

"Some guy was just trying to break into your car," stated the neighbor. "He tried the door twice, and was heading around to your yard when I came out." Her father, older, wiser and always ready to defend our block, was on the phone with the police within seconds. The neighbors described the events to Barney, Andy, and Goober (the other neighbor who heard the commotion and had to find out what all the ruckus was about). By their account, my (locked) doors handily triggered the interior light, granting the perp an illuminated visual tour of the contents of my vehicle. The neighbors (bless them) just happened to be looking out the window into our shared alley, and noticed the darkened figure lurking around outside. As they stepped onto their porch, he (the perp) sauntered off "that direction" (>>), and attempted to try another car's door(s). When they (the neighbors) stepped off the porch, enticing their very own dog to whine, the man took off down another side street. Neighbor #1 recognized the guy, and was able to give a complete description, including known associates, to Chief Wiggum et.al.

Within minutes, no fewer than three (3) cruisers were combing the area, employing such tactics as floodlights aimed into darkened recesses and loud radio conversations between the officers. As with any small, backwoods-yet-suburban metropolis, the inhabitants with scanners were able to keep abreast of the crisis unfolding from the comfort of their own (un-broken-into-yet) homes. Some, with an unashamedly boldness, chose to gather on their respective street corners and ponder loudly about the events (cluck, cluck, cluck). My dogs, however, gave up sniffing at the front door, and resumed their slumber within close proximity, just in case I needed their assistance. The Boy, well, he was unaware of anything besides the tail on the phone.

Neighbor #2 went door to door within a two block radius, alerting everyone to what was going down, and advising them to lock up tight.

Suddenly, from out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, we sprung from the alley to see what was the matter! The occupants of a home some 3 blocks away scattered loudly, frantically, in all directions. Much yelling ensued. Officers on foot gave chase. Flashlight beams were dancing merrily as the "Cops!" theme song played in my head. Someone was tackled and cuffed. My little dawg barked an irritated complaint as she found a more comfortable spot on the couch.

In the end, the house down the street was searched, drugs were found, as were a few small stolen items and a shitload of loose change. Four other cars were reported broken into and/or ransacked. The neighbors positively ID'd the guy, some 20-ish white boy with a Side-show Bob 'fro; turns out he was visiting the area from a bad part of town. After the drama, we had a block party of sorts, where everyone had a tale to tell; some spoke of other attempted breakins, some relayed rumors of their hairdresser's cousin's stepsister's brush with crime, and others detailed what we should all be doing differently to avoid this type of activity again.

I called the husband to tell him about the excitement. He was slightly concerned for our safety, yet a little more than upset that our security system had failed. I fed our security system and told them I was disappointed with their performance. They kissed me and assured me that everything would be okay. I did not sleep very well. About 3am I put the stop in the ginormous doggy door in the basement (just large enough for a person to slide through! Oh yeah.).

This morning, there was dogshit on the floor.