Locus of Control
I am out of control. Uncontrollable, unconsolable.
I attended a seminar the other day on dealing with disappointments. I believe the title was something like "Empowerment, objectivity and other ways to blow smoke out your ass".
It seems that most of us are dealing with our grief all wrong. No matter what goes wrong in your life, you have the obligation to accept accountability.
Late for work? You should have left earlier. But, it was because of "x, y, z" that you could not control. Go to bed earlier, then, and try harder next time. Cancer or other horrific disease? You should have lived your life more carefully. House burned down? Well, didn't you have insurance? And, why weren't you more careful in the first place? Upset about gas prices? Budget your dollars more wisely to adjust to the increased cost. Failed an exam? Put more effort in studying more effectively. But, it was because of "x, y, z" that you could not control. Maybe if you had made this a higher priority, then you would have been better prepared. Got pneumonia? You should have been vaccinated. Bit by a dog? Avoid pets and strays. Stubbed your toe? Have a hangnail? Quit whining, dammit, and take better care of yourself! Everything has an answer, and rather than trying to blame it on an outside entity (dumb luck), you must find the answer within your own realm of control (blame yourself).
I am finding it more and more difficult to be sociable. I have become a bitter, hateful bitch. No matter what someone says, I have a comeback that just slaps together a wall of hatred around me. From general courtesy to mindless platitudes, I am an ungrateful sadist. I don't care. I've had it. Yet, I don't like this side of myself. Either it is some twisted sort of defense mechanism, or I have surely lost the rest of my marbles. Which, may actually be a good thing, because if I had some marbles left over, I would be throwing them at the people who piss me off.
Dear God, Thank you. For everything You offer and allow us to experience every beautiful day You grant us on this earth. For the distraught mother of the tiny sick baby who can't eat and breathe at the same time, I thank You. For her congenital heart disease, You have blessed us all. For the widower grieving over his dear wife of 65 years, I thank You. By sparing the passenger You have allowed us to appreciate the driver's sacrifice. For the new bride crying in room 813, I thank You. Nothing catalyzes hopes and dreams for the future like a 26 year old with brain and spinal cord injuries. For the 42 year old meth addict featured in the newspaper's human interest story, I thank You. Her having a stroke and living in a nursing home compels me to appreciate her 6 kids who find it hard to visit her every week. For my son's friend and teammate, D., I thank you. Were it not for the repeat fracture of his hip, none would surely appreciate the scholarship he is now forced to give up in lieu of rehab. For this, we are thankful to You, oh Lord, for all your glory and goodness. Amen.
I attended a seminar the other day on dealing with disappointments. I believe the title was something like "Empowerment, objectivity and other ways to blow smoke out your ass".
It seems that most of us are dealing with our grief all wrong. No matter what goes wrong in your life, you have the obligation to accept accountability.
Late for work? You should have left earlier. But, it was because of "x, y, z" that you could not control. Go to bed earlier, then, and try harder next time. Cancer or other horrific disease? You should have lived your life more carefully. House burned down? Well, didn't you have insurance? And, why weren't you more careful in the first place? Upset about gas prices? Budget your dollars more wisely to adjust to the increased cost. Failed an exam? Put more effort in studying more effectively. But, it was because of "x, y, z" that you could not control. Maybe if you had made this a higher priority, then you would have been better prepared. Got pneumonia? You should have been vaccinated. Bit by a dog? Avoid pets and strays. Stubbed your toe? Have a hangnail? Quit whining, dammit, and take better care of yourself! Everything has an answer, and rather than trying to blame it on an outside entity (dumb luck), you must find the answer within your own realm of control (blame yourself).
I am finding it more and more difficult to be sociable. I have become a bitter, hateful bitch. No matter what someone says, I have a comeback that just slaps together a wall of hatred around me. From general courtesy to mindless platitudes, I am an ungrateful sadist. I don't care. I've had it. Yet, I don't like this side of myself. Either it is some twisted sort of defense mechanism, or I have surely lost the rest of my marbles. Which, may actually be a good thing, because if I had some marbles left over, I would be throwing them at the people who piss me off.
Dear God, Thank you. For everything You offer and allow us to experience every beautiful day You grant us on this earth. For the distraught mother of the tiny sick baby who can't eat and breathe at the same time, I thank You. For her congenital heart disease, You have blessed us all. For the widower grieving over his dear wife of 65 years, I thank You. By sparing the passenger You have allowed us to appreciate the driver's sacrifice. For the new bride crying in room 813, I thank You. Nothing catalyzes hopes and dreams for the future like a 26 year old with brain and spinal cord injuries. For the 42 year old meth addict featured in the newspaper's human interest story, I thank You. Her having a stroke and living in a nursing home compels me to appreciate her 6 kids who find it hard to visit her every week. For my son's friend and teammate, D., I thank you. Were it not for the repeat fracture of his hip, none would surely appreciate the scholarship he is now forced to give up in lieu of rehab. For this, we are thankful to You, oh Lord, for all your glory and goodness. Amen.
posted by Julie at 10:19 PM
12 Comments:
I must say, that is just THE WORST seminar for dealing with miscarriages! "Here, let me strip you of ANY comfort you may have left... Because there's surely something you could have done!" No. All wrong. All terribly, awfully wrong and warped beyond belief. This accountability shit doesn't work for life's tragedies. There are things -- most huge, life-changing things, as a matter of fact -- that you have no control over at all. And any attempt to reconcile that bloody obvious fact with a fix-it, can-do, cause-and-effect mentality is simply going to cause more distress and heartache. Jesus. That is insane.
Of course you're bitter. Of course you feel sadistic. You've just been hurt in an inconceivably painful way, and so recently. I hope you have loving and understanding people to talk to, who can accept and handle the poison that absolutely needs to come out. No blame, no guilt, just friendship and comfort.
I'm wishing you healing, my dear. And consolation. Though I know both will be a long time coming...
you know, of course, this "class" was not meant for you. it was meant for adults with immaturity issues. please mark it d/n/a - does not apply.
that said, there is one thing you can control, and that's the help you get to deal with the uncontrollable loss of your dear maybe. any mental health coverage you have, you should take advantage of. if you have an eap program, it's there for you to use. you deserve all the help you can get. you should not have to endure this kind of pain alone.
thinking of you often.
That must have been just awful. You probably went there seeking some solace and all they had to hand out was blame. How rotten. And, as lauralu said, none of that stuff has anything to do with you. Still, it must have been horrible to listen to.
I'm sorry you're so miserable. I wish I had a way to offer some comfort. Just know that I'm thinking of you.
Oh Julie...I am sorry that you are so sad and angry. It sucks being so sad and angry. It just SUCKS. And yet you have a right to be both...I just wish that you didn't have to be.
Wow, I am so sorry you had to sit through that. I agree with lauralu's comments - it was geared towards adults with immaturity issues.
It CLEARLY wasn't meant for someone dealing with stillbirth and miscarriage, or the other issues you listed in your "Dear God" letter (which, by the way, was brilliant - I am so impressed with your writing).
It is because of shit like this seminar that other people feel like they can "trivialize" our tragedies, and expect us to just "get over it". Such bullshit. ((((hugs)))
Killed on 9/11? Shouldn't have gone to work. Shouldn't have gotten the job. Shouldn't have gotten the job there. Shouldn't have been born there. Shouldn't have had your ancestors move there. Shouldn't have ____________.
I hope whoever came up with that 'seminar' (same root as 'semen,' or seed - in other words, they screwed you) has some truly bad luck befall him or her. I've never wished anything like that on someone, but come ON!
A-fucking-men Oh Lord. He's a real gem sometimes huh?
Clare had a good point though - your baby just died. Not Nick, another, real baby who made you so happy and hopeful. So get mad, go mad - whatever! It's ok. Why the hell wouldn't you? It's beyond unfair. I'll even pop my full face motorbike helmet on and you can pelt your remaining marbles square at me. You know, if it feels good. Thinking of you constantly my friend ((hugs))
I hope what I say offends no one.
I don't believe in a god that kills babies, much wanted, loved babies, in their mother's wombs.
I can't believe and I won't believe. Sorry.
I read this entry this morning and not having much time, knew I'd have to come back. So here I am, sitting here, thinking about what you've been through, what we've all been through, and cursing at the fact that people like us have to go through this. We are the type that FEEL, deeply, and express that which pains us even when it seems to much to bear. Why in the world should people like us (well, like you, I don't want to lump myself in with you as my posts are not quite as eloquent at times) have to experience so much pain, so much loss? I am tired of people I love being hurt; I am tired of "God won't give you more than you can handle;" I am DAMN sick and tired of being made to prove over and over again how STRONG I am, how strong you are, how strong we all are. I don't want to be strong; I want to be lucky. I want to be clueless. I want to be innocent and naive. I want to be happy. I want to stop hurting, Julie, and I know you do too.
Thinking of you and wishing there were more I could say or do. (You know, when and if you ever feel up to it, I'm not that far away...)
I am so sorry about that stupid seminar. For those of us who have experienced so many losses, it takes a lot of courage to reach out - patronizing is not the way to help us.
I, too, have become very withdrawn. I have lost touch with so many of my old friends because I've become so withdrawn. I just can't deal.
Julie: Please know we are all with you.
I read your post and it stole my breath away with its honesty and true emotion.
You know I think the seminar was a crock of shit. But you also know that you might have bought it yourself...before. Before you lost Nick and "the maybe," you might have actually believed you had enough control to decide the outcome of things in your life. Forgive them their ignorance.
As for God...you express so well the things I've been thinking but unable to put into words. I'm not sure I'll ever have "faith" again. Not until I get some damned answers. You take my child...you answer a couple questions. I think it's only fair.
I'm so sorry. You are in my thoughts.
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