Signed, sealed, delivered

Ahh... my sweet, ignorant woman, whilst thou never learn?
Fate, she doesn't like temptation. She laughs at your cockiness. She is saddened by your impudence. She mocks your courage.
She won this game. Your trump card is invalid. Tough shit.
The Maybe is gone.
I'm not sure if I am numb, cold, unfeeling, or just spent. I'm sure it will hit me later, but for now, I'm okay.
For the past few days I have felt a little unusual. Hindsight is 20/20, but at the time, I figured I was just tired and stressed. Besides general malaise, I was having odd, distant, discomfort in my lower back. Last night at bedtime, I spotted bright red blood. I thought, maybe, hopefully, it was a hemorrhoid. Knowing that at this stage, nothing could be done anyway, I went to bed. At 2am I woke to some pelvic pain. It wasn't period cramping, just a sort of aching that was disturbing. Still bleeding. This continued until I could no longer get comfortable. About 3am I felt this sharp, tearing pain in my lower left abdomen/pelvic region that was sustained for a good half-hour. If I had to describe it, I would say it felt like my placenta separating. I had to pee. I felt heaviness and pressure, and knew immediately. I held my hand under there and caught it. It was larger than I had imagined. More than a handful.
It was completely intact.
Placenta, fetus, bag of waters.
If you've never seen or held a 13 week fetus completely floating in amniotic fluid, with the placenta and villi all attached - that is wonderful. I hope you never have to. I don't recommend it.
On the other hand, I have to admit it was really an awesome sight to behold. As sad as the situation is, I have never seen a specimen so perfect, outside of a textbook. I took pictures. I tried to make Gerry look at it, but he just gave it a cursory glance and told me I was weird.
So, we did the ER routine and they sent my baby off to pathology. I go see Dr. Wonderful on Monday.
I wonder if it was a boy or a girl. I wonder if I really want to know. Will it hit me harder, then, to qualify it as a person, not just a fetus? Unlike the 6wk loss two years ago, this one was not just a blob. This one had arms and legs and fingers and toes and a big head and ribs and eyes and what looked like a teeny weeny winkie. Would I name it, and remember him/her like I do Nicholas? Doubtful. But I can't just ignore it, either. How far, how deep, will this loss scar me when I finally allow it to?