Friday, November 04, 2005

Signed, sealed, delivered

Ahh... my sweet, ignorant woman, whilst thou never learn?
Fate, she doesn't like temptation. She laughs at your cockiness. She is saddened by your impudence. She mocks your courage.
She won this game. Your trump card is invalid. Tough shit.
The Maybe is gone.
I'm not sure if I am numb, cold, unfeeling, or just spent. I'm sure it will hit me later, but for now, I'm okay.
For the past few days I have felt a little unusual. Hindsight is 20/20, but at the time, I figured I was just tired and stressed. Besides general malaise, I was having odd, distant, discomfort in my lower back. Last night at bedtime, I spotted bright red blood. I thought, maybe, hopefully, it was a hemorrhoid. Knowing that at this stage, nothing could be done anyway, I went to bed. At 2am I woke to some pelvic pain. It wasn't period cramping, just a sort of aching that was disturbing. Still bleeding. This continued until I could no longer get comfortable. About 3am I felt this sharp, tearing pain in my lower left abdomen/pelvic region that was sustained for a good half-hour. If I had to describe it, I would say it felt like my placenta separating. I had to pee. I felt heaviness and pressure, and knew immediately. I held my hand under there and caught it. It was larger than I had imagined. More than a handful.
It was completely intact.
Placenta, fetus, bag of waters.
If you've never seen or held a 13 week fetus completely floating in amniotic fluid, with the placenta and villi all attached - that is wonderful. I hope you never have to. I don't recommend it.
On the other hand, I have to admit it was really an awesome sight to behold. As sad as the situation is, I have never seen a specimen so perfect, outside of a textbook. I took pictures. I tried to make Gerry look at it, but he just gave it a cursory glance and told me I was weird.
So, we did the ER routine and they sent my baby off to pathology. I go see Dr. Wonderful on Monday.
I wonder if it was a boy or a girl. I wonder if I really want to know. Will it hit me harder, then, to qualify it as a person, not just a fetus? Unlike the 6wk loss two years ago, this one was not just a blob. This one had arms and legs and fingers and toes and a big head and ribs and eyes and what looked like a teeny weeny winkie. Would I name it, and remember him/her like I do Nicholas? Doubtful. But I can't just ignore it, either. How far, how deep, will this loss scar me when I finally allow it to?

29 Comments:

Blogger Dee said...

Found you on Julie's updated list. I wish I had something truly comforting to say but I know nothing can take your pain and lessen it.

Instead, all I can simply say "I'm sorry" and hope that somehow suffices, though I know it doesn't.

Fri Nov 04, 10:12:00 AM EST  
Blogger kate said...

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

I am just so sorry....it is so unfair....there really are no words. I am thinking of you and your sweet babies...

(by the way it is awesome that you took pictures...my friend S. who m/c naturally saw her baby but did not take pictures and always regrets it...)

Fri Nov 04, 11:16:00 AM EST  
Blogger SWH said...

I am so sorry...

Fri Nov 04, 11:50:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so very, very sorry. I don't know what else to say. I am sorry.

Fri Nov 04, 11:51:00 AM EST  
Blogger Anam Cara said...

Wow, I am incredibly sorry and saddened to hear your news. I am so f%$#ing angry at the unfairness of it all. This wasn't suppose to happen and it just completely sucks. I know nothing can help at this point, but please know I am thinking of you and sending you (((hugs))).

Fri Nov 04, 01:11:00 PM EST  
Blogger Heather said...

I am so very sorry.

Fri Nov 04, 01:25:00 PM EST  
Blogger lorem ipsum said...

God. I'm sorry. God. God. God.

Fri Nov 04, 01:46:00 PM EST  
Blogger MB said...

Life sucks. I wish it would get better, but it just seems like things just keep going to shit. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Nothing seems adequate.

Fri Nov 04, 02:32:00 PM EST  
Blogger Donna said...

Oh no, no, no, no. I am so very sorry.

Fri Nov 04, 02:44:00 PM EST  
Blogger Estelle said...

I am sorry. So very very sorry.

Fri Nov 04, 02:51:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. Soothing thoughts heading your way.

Fri Nov 04, 03:42:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jillian said...

Hi Hon,

I hope you are not in any physical pain and got some good rest in today.

I will continue my irrational mad bitch ranting at god and the universe knowing it can't be fixed and probably no one's listening anyway.

Sending you much love and all the numbness it takes to get through whatever your heart needs to get through ((hugs)). And of course, I'm still so sorry this has happened:(

Fri Nov 04, 04:57:00 PM EST  
Blogger Roxanne said...

Oh no!!!! I'm so sorry. Damn. I really wish I could say something better than that. This is awful.

Fri Nov 04, 06:23:00 PM EST  
Blogger grumpyABDadjunct said...

I am sorry too. But also glad that you got to see and hold and recognize your fetus/baby (you seem ambiguous about what to call it, so I'm using both).

Fri Nov 04, 06:25:00 PM EST  
Blogger Anna said...

I'm so sorry. :( I wish I could say or do something more. God, I am so sorry.

Fri Nov 04, 06:54:00 PM EST  
Blogger Kathy McC said...

I am so, so sorry...this is just so unfair.

Fri Nov 04, 07:28:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

aww shit. That is just shit. I'm so sad for you and sorry, so very sorry. That is just not supposed to happen......

Fri Nov 04, 09:26:00 PM EST  
Blogger Julie said...

Damn it. Julie, I am so so so sorry. God this is so unfair. I am thinking of you sweetie. (((((((((hugs))))))))

Fri Nov 04, 10:23:00 PM EST  
Blogger laura said...

julie, i am so sorry. i wish it had worked out differently for you. you deserve all the happiness in the world. i'm sure the catch was surreal, but i hope it helped to actually get to see and hold your maybe.

lots of love to you.

Sat Nov 05, 04:41:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Julie, the horror. I am so sad and horrified for you, and so dreadfully sorry. Wishing I could comfort you somehow. You are in my thoughts.

Sat Nov 05, 07:48:00 AM EST  
Blogger cat said...

You have my deepest sympathies Julie. There are no proper words for this. You will be in my thoughts may you find peace and be surrounded by love.

Sat Nov 05, 10:59:00 AM EST  
Blogger Lisa P. said...

Oh shit. No, no, no. I'm so sorry Julie. I can't imagine how awful you must feel right now and wish there were something I could do.

Sat Nov 05, 03:02:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, my dear Lord... Dearest Julie... I've come over from Kath's site... and although I've endured three miscarriages myself... I still feel barely equipped to render words that could hope to offer you some sort of succor.

What you have just been through is something that NO woman should have to endure... my heart is just breaking for you and please please accept the well-wishes of yet another stranger who will be keeping you in their thoughts over the days and weeks to come.

I'm so incredibly sorry for this horrible loss... please be kind to yourself.

With much affec tion,
Manuela

Sat Nov 05, 05:06:00 PM EST  
Blogger MsPrufrock said...

Shit Julie, I'm so sorry...I don't really know what else to say aside from that and that I'm thinking of you.

Sat Nov 05, 06:13:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The worlds biggest ((((Hugs)))) coming your way...

Sat Nov 05, 10:23:00 PM EST  
Blogger msfitzita said...

Oh God, I'm so sorry. I'm just - I'm so very, very, very sorry. I wish there were words strong enough to take away the pain. I know there aren't, so just know that I'm so sorry and I'll be thinking of you and your Maybe.

A million (((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))).

Sun Nov 06, 02:02:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Julie. I'm new here, but I'd just like you to know that your story breaks my heart, and I'm so sorry that you' ve had to endure such torture. It's so truly awful; there just are no words.

Sun Nov 06, 06:55:00 PM EST  
Blogger Unknown said...

This is the worst f*cking news ever. I can't stand it!

Thu Nov 10, 07:38:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How terrible, how heartbreaking. It is so very unfair. I am so very sorry.

Fri Nov 18, 01:51:00 AM EST  

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