Let it go, let it go, let it go
Oh, the feelings inside are frightful
And sleep, it’s so delightful
But as long as you scold me so
I’ll let it go, let it go, let it go
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The hubster and I have been at odds lately. Never one to try to understand another’s feelings, his quick-fix usually equates to a hearty “Get over it”. That is entirely his mother’s fault. Her standard response is “Don’t worry about it”, and all will be well. Just smash those feelings down, way deep inside, paste an insincere smile on your tear-stained face, and keep on keepin’ on. I suppose, under severe distress, one is allowed to mope a little, but time marches on, and you have to pull yourself together.
Ob-la-di, ob-la-da
Blah.
I have been less than thoughtful of others lately. It’s true. I have been self-centered and withdrawn. I get reminded of that daily. Did you know that it doesn’t all revolve around me? I was previously unaware of that. I’m still not sure I believe it.
Always know sometimes think it’s me
But you know I know when it’s a dream
I think I know I mean, ah yes
But it’s all wrong
That is I think I disagree
So, this winter has been somewhat depressing. Sure, I suffer from a bit of Seasonal Affective Disorder anyway, but this particular year it is at an all-time low. To please the husband and the inlaws, I attended Mass on Sunday. I was unmoved. I sat there, looking at the statues and people, and forced myself to remain lost in my own head. If I thought too long and hard about my pain and the “whys” of it all, I would have begun sobbing, which is a bit of a distraction. For those around us, not just me. See, I do think of others sometimes. When I got to thinking about the ratio and proportions of the needs::wants, or rather the blessings::punishments, I started getting a little bit pissed. The priest spoke of faith and selflessness, beliefs and trust. “Do not be afraid”, he quoted. Guess one can’t be afraid, if they understand the random acts of fate and destiny. Just fly by the seat of your pants, because planning and dreaming does little good. It’s all a big throw of the dice.
Living is easy with eyes closed
Misunderstanding all you see
It’s getting hard to be someone
But it all works out
It doesn’t matter much to me
I’ve decided that for whatever cosmic reason, “this is here”. I have no explanations. I have no expectations. Like it or not, I can choose to live with it, or die trying. Didja ever get to that point where melancholy merged with apathy? Every day is another chance to look forward to another day which may or may not make any damn difference to anyone. If this is where I am supposed to be, then by fuck I’m gonna make the most of it. Besides, if I had all the answers, what fun would I ever have?
There’s nothing you can know that isn’t known
Nothing you can see that isn’t shown
No where you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be
It’s easy
HAPPY BOXING DAY, everyone!
And sleep, it’s so delightful
But as long as you scold me so
I’ll let it go, let it go, let it go
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The hubster and I have been at odds lately. Never one to try to understand another’s feelings, his quick-fix usually equates to a hearty “Get over it”. That is entirely his mother’s fault. Her standard response is “Don’t worry about it”, and all will be well. Just smash those feelings down, way deep inside, paste an insincere smile on your tear-stained face, and keep on keepin’ on. I suppose, under severe distress, one is allowed to mope a little, but time marches on, and you have to pull yourself together.
Ob-la-di, ob-la-da
Blah.
I have been less than thoughtful of others lately. It’s true. I have been self-centered and withdrawn. I get reminded of that daily. Did you know that it doesn’t all revolve around me? I was previously unaware of that. I’m still not sure I believe it.
Always know sometimes think it’s me
But you know I know when it’s a dream
I think I know I mean, ah yes
But it’s all wrong
That is I think I disagree
So, this winter has been somewhat depressing. Sure, I suffer from a bit of Seasonal Affective Disorder anyway, but this particular year it is at an all-time low. To please the husband and the inlaws, I attended Mass on Sunday. I was unmoved. I sat there, looking at the statues and people, and forced myself to remain lost in my own head. If I thought too long and hard about my pain and the “whys” of it all, I would have begun sobbing, which is a bit of a distraction. For those around us, not just me. See, I do think of others sometimes. When I got to thinking about the ratio and proportions of the needs::wants, or rather the blessings::punishments, I started getting a little bit pissed. The priest spoke of faith and selflessness, beliefs and trust. “Do not be afraid”, he quoted. Guess one can’t be afraid, if they understand the random acts of fate and destiny. Just fly by the seat of your pants, because planning and dreaming does little good. It’s all a big throw of the dice.
Living is easy with eyes closed
Misunderstanding all you see
It’s getting hard to be someone
But it all works out
It doesn’t matter much to me
I’ve decided that for whatever cosmic reason, “this is here”. I have no explanations. I have no expectations. Like it or not, I can choose to live with it, or die trying. Didja ever get to that point where melancholy merged with apathy? Every day is another chance to look forward to another day which may or may not make any damn difference to anyone. If this is where I am supposed to be, then by fuck I’m gonna make the most of it. Besides, if I had all the answers, what fun would I ever have?
There’s nothing you can know that isn’t known
Nothing you can see that isn’t shown
No where you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be
It’s easy
HAPPY BOXING DAY, everyone!
posted by Julie at 9:12 AM
5 Comments:
of course, we all know the price of just "getting over it". keep moving through it, julie-girl. you deserve all the time and space you need.
I'm totally with you on these sentiments. Shit happens. That's it, nothing happens "for a reason", or if it does, nobody knows what that reason is. Bah!
Seems like you have more answers than most folks do. Especially those who are still looking for reasons for stuff.
I get the 'why worry if you cannot change something and if you can change it, you don't need to worry anyway'. How's that for logic? Men.
Take care of yourself and forget about G's advice. ((hugs))
Right on, sister.
Oh my goodness. I soooo relate to that feeling that melancholy/apathy thing, with numbness mixed in.
When some of the grief wear's off, I got to the point where I realized I DO live in the moment more. I hope for the best, but realize the worst can happen to anyone, including (sometimes especially) me.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, recurrent miscarriage,pregnancy loss and infertility is the hardest thing I've ever been through, because it's a loss of what is often the most integral dream of all;family.
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