S.S.D.D.
What can I say.
I woke up this morning, same as yesterday, probably will do it again tomorrow.
I should be thankful that nothing majorly horrible is happening.
I'm just kinda delusional that way.
Not so sure that if something tremendously wonderful occurred I'd even recognize it anymore.
I'm just kinda emotionally numb that way.
But enough about me.
Let's talk about The Boy.
The Boy is having a bad run of luck, lately.
Normally, I'd be thrilled to deflect some of life's crap - off of me - onto someone else.
When the shit hits his fan, however, I'm right there to deal with the skid marks.
So he's dating this girl. Pretty, smart, rich, cheerleader... "high-maintenance", he calls her.
Dad and I know where this is going. Please remain seated. This ride is equipped with side impact airbags for your safety. Do not try this at home.
Through a series of dysfortunate events, suffice it to say they have since parted ways.
I think I just made up a new word again. Yay, me.
It is difficult to re-live those horrible teenage years. It is odd, as well, to be on the other side. To see things from the female perspective, a more mature view, while attempting to parent effectively and simultaneously experience what it is like to be a 16 year old boy.
I'm almost glad I'm old.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
~~~~~
How'd my buns get so big?
I craved fresh-baked bread. I had little time to spare. I adore shortcuts. I buy frozen dough.
I went to the basement and opened the freezer door. Nestled among the seldom used but necessary goods I keep for moments such as this was a bag of little doughballs just waiting to rise to the occasion. The bag was just the right size to fit in one of the handy-dandy door shelves. It would not budge. I noted that some of the rolls had wedged themselves under the little bar keeping them from sliding off the shelf. Hmmmm, I thought. I tried to push them back under. These rolls seem to be a bit, larger, somehow...? I noted the bag wasn't as loose, either. Hmmmm...
It was at that moment I noticed the frozen goo spattered all over the lower shelves and walls.
Long story short - the fridge had been left unplugged for DAYS, after The Boy used the outlet to run the shop vac (cleaning up another mess I won't even get into now). Desiring a frozen treat of his own, he found that the icecream bars had melted, and wondered why the light hadn't come on. Oh yeah. Maybe I'll just plug it back in and nobody will notice.
I have now discarded turkey breast, roasts, hamburger, porkchops, fish, chicken, frenchfries, hotpockets, coolwhip, icecream, pierogies, vegetables, and over 25 lbs of deer meat (which really pissed off The Dad).
Another lesson learned.
~~~~~
Compliments will get you nowhere
What do you get when you cross a hamster with a monkey?
Me!
I am my own breed.
I went shopping again. Pants and shoes, my favorite. NOT. Lest I remind you, I am not built very well. Sturdy, yes; functional, not so much. I finally found my perfect pants. Sure, they were too long in the rise, but I can fix that by pulling them up a wee bit and folding over the waistband. With my stellar 27 1/2" inseam, of course I need "petite". I found the shoes with little difficulty, effectively hiding my hideous Fred Fl!nstone feet. I needed a new blouse to complete the outfit. This one was too long, this one was too short, this one was juuuuuust right. As if the whole experience was that easy. Humph. Hours and hours of shopping, a grumpy husband when I return, and what looked good at the store didn't seem so wonderful once I got it home. Go figure.
Annnnnywaaaaay.
You know what your problem is?
No, but I'm sure you'll tell me.
You just aren't built right.
Really?
We always joke about my little T-Rex arms. I sensed more good-natured fun coming on.
Josh, tell her what you told me...
Oh shit. Here it comes.
"You're built like a monkey".
Huh?
More like, you've got a monkey body with little hamster arms and legs.
What ARE you talking about?
Just picture it.
You're comparing me to a rodent AND a primate in the same breath? How charming.
No, what I mean is you have this little round chimp body with teeny arms and legs.
Let's keep small appendages out of the conversation. ::shooting a look to the hubster::
I don't mean it in a bad way... dad thinks it's kinda cute.
What you're describing sounds more like an oompa loompa, dear, and I rather take offense to such reference.
(Side-splitting laughter ensues).
The rest of the day was accentuated with the song each time I waddled through the room.
I can't get no respect.
I woke up this morning, same as yesterday, probably will do it again tomorrow.
I should be thankful that nothing majorly horrible is happening.
I'm just kinda delusional that way.
Not so sure that if something tremendously wonderful occurred I'd even recognize it anymore.
I'm just kinda emotionally numb that way.
But enough about me.
Let's talk about The Boy.
The Boy is having a bad run of luck, lately.
Normally, I'd be thrilled to deflect some of life's crap - off of me - onto someone else.
When the shit hits his fan, however, I'm right there to deal with the skid marks.
So he's dating this girl. Pretty, smart, rich, cheerleader... "high-maintenance", he calls her.
Dad and I know where this is going. Please remain seated. This ride is equipped with side impact airbags for your safety. Do not try this at home.
Through a series of dysfortunate events, suffice it to say they have since parted ways.
I think I just made up a new word again. Yay, me.
It is difficult to re-live those horrible teenage years. It is odd, as well, to be on the other side. To see things from the female perspective, a more mature view, while attempting to parent effectively and simultaneously experience what it is like to be a 16 year old boy.
I'm almost glad I'm old.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
~~~~~
How'd my buns get so big?
I craved fresh-baked bread. I had little time to spare. I adore shortcuts. I buy frozen dough.
I went to the basement and opened the freezer door. Nestled among the seldom used but necessary goods I keep for moments such as this was a bag of little doughballs just waiting to rise to the occasion. The bag was just the right size to fit in one of the handy-dandy door shelves. It would not budge. I noted that some of the rolls had wedged themselves under the little bar keeping them from sliding off the shelf. Hmmmm, I thought. I tried to push them back under. These rolls seem to be a bit, larger, somehow...? I noted the bag wasn't as loose, either. Hmmmm...
It was at that moment I noticed the frozen goo spattered all over the lower shelves and walls.
Long story short - the fridge had been left unplugged for DAYS, after The Boy used the outlet to run the shop vac (cleaning up another mess I won't even get into now). Desiring a frozen treat of his own, he found that the icecream bars had melted, and wondered why the light hadn't come on. Oh yeah. Maybe I'll just plug it back in and nobody will notice.
I have now discarded turkey breast, roasts, hamburger, porkchops, fish, chicken, frenchfries, hotpockets, coolwhip, icecream, pierogies, vegetables, and over 25 lbs of deer meat (which really pissed off The Dad).
Another lesson learned.
~~~~~
Compliments will get you nowhere
What do you get when you cross a hamster with a monkey?
Me!
I am my own breed.
I went shopping again. Pants and shoes, my favorite. NOT. Lest I remind you, I am not built very well. Sturdy, yes; functional, not so much. I finally found my perfect pants. Sure, they were too long in the rise, but I can fix that by pulling them up a wee bit and folding over the waistband. With my stellar 27 1/2" inseam, of course I need "petite". I found the shoes with little difficulty, effectively hiding my hideous Fred Fl!nstone feet. I needed a new blouse to complete the outfit. This one was too long, this one was too short, this one was juuuuuust right. As if the whole experience was that easy. Humph. Hours and hours of shopping, a grumpy husband when I return, and what looked good at the store didn't seem so wonderful once I got it home. Go figure.
Annnnnywaaaaay.
You know what your problem is?
No, but I'm sure you'll tell me.
You just aren't built right.
Really?
We always joke about my little T-Rex arms. I sensed more good-natured fun coming on.
Josh, tell her what you told me...
Oh shit. Here it comes.
"You're built like a monkey".
Huh?
More like, you've got a monkey body with little hamster arms and legs.
What ARE you talking about?
Just picture it.
You're comparing me to a rodent AND a primate in the same breath? How charming.
No, what I mean is you have this little round chimp body with teeny arms and legs.
Let's keep small appendages out of the conversation. ::shooting a look to the hubster::
I don't mean it in a bad way... dad thinks it's kinda cute.
What you're describing sounds more like an oompa loompa, dear, and I rather take offense to such reference.
(Side-splitting laughter ensues).
The rest of the day was accentuated with the song each time I waddled through the room.
I can't get no respect.
posted by Julie at 5:42 PM
8 Comments:
The entire universe knows The Boy has no girldriend - the last laugh is yours.
Or maybe the final word is - as some would say, oompa dee doo!
Horrible boys!
You had to throw away Coolwhip AND pierogies? That's just wrong. Sorry about the Willy Wonka and primate/hamster references, I think he was just trying to get back at you for making him grumpy.
you should lock the boy and the husband out. do it now. do it.
if it makes you feel any better, i have what we fondly refer to as pygmy arms.
What are pierogies? And I will have to look in the mirror and check for hamster/pygmy arms. Seems like you get to be very smart and funny if you have them, so it can't be all bad right?
Coolwhip? Maybe you're better off without it. There's something weird about fake cream. Or maybe it's just me.
Maybe your son's breakup will inspire him to write some bad poetry that you can remind him of in about 10 years. Payback is always fun.
Sorry, but the Oompa Loompa reference made me giggle! Hope you gave him a whack upside the head for that one...
Sorry about all the lost meat and goodies. Did he seriously think no one would notice???
Can you just imagine the party that was going on in your freezer while it was unplugged?!
Too bad you didn't make this discovery after they made such rude reference to your rockin' bod. You could have pulled a Godfather with the deer meat.
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