weekend warrior
First off, just let me say: motherfuckingsonofabitchgoddamnitshit.
Ok, all better.
Remember that birthing scene from "Aliens"?
Yeah, its like that.
These are my eggs hatching.
God help us all.
Or at least those unfortunate souls in my immediate line of sight.
So, I'm a little cranky today. What I generally like to do when I am unable to breathe without squatting down in unbearable cramping pleasure is go to the post office. Today's episode finds us squaring off with Mr. Anus Maximus and his stupid girly ponytail.
Act one, in which Julie gets her game on:
Scene: standing in line (behind a priest) for upwards of 15 minutes, no pen available. I approach the counter. From the onset, this man has an attitude. He is ugly with bad breath, a poor taste in clothing and hairstyle, and he's giving me grief. After establishing the most economical means of sending my two packages, I am pointed to the nearest pen, handed two shipping labels to complete and the following advice:
"Don't forget to tape that up".
(Looking around for tape), I don't see any tape...
He sighs and points to the back wall.
Oh, I need to buy some tape?
"Unless you have some in your car". [smirk]
{Why, yes. I do believe have a roll of packing tape in the trunk next to the tire iron that I will use to bash in your bitchy little brains ...}
Oh, I thought you had tape.
"Why would I have tape?"
Because you ship packages... that's okay, I think I can figure this out. [rolling eyes]
Act two, in which Julie finds some levity:
Scene: Standing in line (behind an obviously pregnant woman with three maniacal children under the age of 5, (one possibly not her own)). I approach the counter. Another clerk is smiling at me gently and asks how he can help me. I ponder that question thoughtfully, completely, and honestly. I hand him my packages.
"Would you like insurance?"
Does that cover lost packages, or just damage?
"Well, are you shipping perishables, glass, liquid, or other fragile items?"
No, these are shoes, and this is a garden stone.
"The insurance is for damage. I don't think you could lose a rock, too easily". [chuckle]
I don't know, I lost my marbles, once. [wry grin]
[smiling a gorgeous smile, blue eyes beaming with admiration at my considerable wit] "Well, that's easy to do, but it wasn't our fault".
We're not so sure of that... [glaring my sincerest I-hate-you-and-will-curse-you-with-a-warty-scrotum kind of look to the clerk at the next window]
(scene fades)
Yeah so anyway, I come home and the guys are performing some sort of emergency surgery on The Boy's vehicle (formerly my own POS). Much yelling is enjoyed by all. Storming through the house, ransacking of drawers and boxes, greasy black handprints on all that dares to be in the path of angry men on a mission. Something about stripped caliper bolts and rotors. As if brakes are important; I'm pissed off at the jackass who parked in my spot. Can't a girl catch a break today? Fuck.
I'm off to find a burrito and some chocolate. If I happen to smother a bunny later, I'll make it look accidental.
Ok, all better.
Remember that birthing scene from "Aliens"?
Yeah, its like that.
These are my eggs hatching.
God help us all.
Or at least those unfortunate souls in my immediate line of sight.
So, I'm a little cranky today. What I generally like to do when I am unable to breathe without squatting down in unbearable cramping pleasure is go to the post office. Today's episode finds us squaring off with Mr. Anus Maximus and his stupid girly ponytail.
Act one, in which Julie gets her game on:
Scene: standing in line (behind a priest) for upwards of 15 minutes, no pen available. I approach the counter. From the onset, this man has an attitude. He is ugly with bad breath, a poor taste in clothing and hairstyle, and he's giving me grief. After establishing the most economical means of sending my two packages, I am pointed to the nearest pen, handed two shipping labels to complete and the following advice:
"Don't forget to tape that up".
(Looking around for tape), I don't see any tape...
He sighs and points to the back wall.
Oh, I need to buy some tape?
"Unless you have some in your car". [smirk]
{Why, yes. I do believe have a roll of packing tape in the trunk next to the tire iron that I will use to bash in your bitchy little brains ...}
Oh, I thought you had tape.
"Why would I have tape?"
Because you ship packages... that's okay, I think I can figure this out. [rolling eyes]
Act two, in which Julie finds some levity:
Scene: Standing in line (behind an obviously pregnant woman with three maniacal children under the age of 5, (one possibly not her own)). I approach the counter. Another clerk is smiling at me gently and asks how he can help me. I ponder that question thoughtfully, completely, and honestly. I hand him my packages.
"Would you like insurance?"
Does that cover lost packages, or just damage?
"Well, are you shipping perishables, glass, liquid, or other fragile items?"
No, these are shoes, and this is a garden stone.
"The insurance is for damage. I don't think you could lose a rock, too easily". [chuckle]
I don't know, I lost my marbles, once. [wry grin]
[smiling a gorgeous smile, blue eyes beaming with admiration at my considerable wit] "Well, that's easy to do, but it wasn't our fault".
We're not so sure of that... [glaring my sincerest I-hate-you-and-will-curse-you-with-a-warty-scrotum kind of look to the clerk at the next window]
(scene fades)
Yeah so anyway, I come home and the guys are performing some sort of emergency surgery on The Boy's vehicle (formerly my own POS). Much yelling is enjoyed by all. Storming through the house, ransacking of drawers and boxes, greasy black handprints on all that dares to be in the path of angry men on a mission. Something about stripped caliper bolts and rotors. As if brakes are important; I'm pissed off at the jackass who parked in my spot. Can't a girl catch a break today? Fuck.
I'm off to find a burrito and some chocolate. If I happen to smother a bunny later, I'll make it look accidental.
posted by Julie at 11:50 AM
5 Comments:
If anyone harms the garden stone (or dares lose it), s/he will have to deal with my considerable wrath as well. And I don't think anyone wants to take on the both of us. :o)
Hope you feel better. I highly recommend Special Dark chocolate.
{{{hugs}}}
wow...you knows lots of swear words:D
Sounds like those bubbles are popping right on cue though. And ain't shagging gonna be fun with those cramps?? G would be a brave man to send in duds this month;)
why does every post office have a pony-tailed smirker? is it one guy that goes from office to office? or does each office have a quota? i like your tire iron remedy to the problem.
I would recommend choking the bunny with butterflies. It'll look like an accident of nature and you can take out additional frustrations on those goddamn fluttering "moths".
I hatehatehate the post office. You surely are a warrior just for going. Would you believe me if I told you I get my mother to send packages for me? Real grown-up right? Well, it keeps me from going postal on the postal employees...
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