Hebetude
I have written, rewritten, edited and revised more ways to express my feelings today than I care to acknowledge.
My views on life, love, and the pursuit of happiness are insignificant; my beliefs on topics such as religion and luck and delusions and imagination are not necessary.
I don't want to argue, I don't care to explain, and my wish is to not have to persuade anyone to understand what paths my life has led me to arrive where I am.
Furthermore, I don't have the energy nor concern to correct the flow of the preceding statement.
~~~
I've gone into details already about my mother-in-law and my friend, both of whom are not faring well. Someone IRL said to me, "Aw, what a shame, and so near the holidays." The fuck. Holidays? Holydays?! Any GODDAMN day, asshat. What the fuckingfuck difference does it make if she's sick (or dead) by December 25th? Or maybe sometime in the spring (but not too close to Bunny Day, of course!). And if by "holiday" you mean "Thanksgiving", then let's observe the giving of thanks TO EACH OTHER for the small, everyday moments we give and share with one another, because *that*, my friends, is what makes the world go 'round. *That* is what creates our realities and shapes our experiences and changes our lives. The 'holy'days as we know them are based purely around pagan observances, and I'm ending my conversation of religion right there.
~~~
One of our - Gerry's - closest friends died on Monday. Natural causes. He was 50. And now he's dead. Just like that. Just stopped breathing.
And that's how it happens. From the elderly person who has finally suffered long enough, to the unborn baby that never got to look into his parent's faces - the heart stops, and you cease to breathe. Just like that. I wonder, under what circumstances, is it easier to accept another's death? When they've struggled and suffered for a long period of time, or when they just go suddenly? A violent accident or a stillbirth? Cancer or old age, or it was just his time. It doesn't matter when they die. They just will. And it will be an inconvenience as the world moves on around us. Life is short. Savor the small things, the little moments, the nothing that is everything. You never know which breath will be your last.
~~~
I had to call G in Virginia to break the news. We talked for an hour. He called me back seven times to relive One More Memory. One More Story. So Many Questions.
The last time they spoke, Gerry told him, hey buddy, next time I'm down that way, I'll stop in to see ya. He never did. Life moved on, we got busy, it wasn't convenient, maybe later, summer came and went, he'd still be there next time... And now he's not. And Gerry is wracked with the guilt of "what ifs" and "should haves".
So we're driving to WV in the morning to celebrate life. Life that Jim was once a part of. Ours.
My views on life, love, and the pursuit of happiness are insignificant; my beliefs on topics such as religion and luck and delusions and imagination are not necessary.
I don't want to argue, I don't care to explain, and my wish is to not have to persuade anyone to understand what paths my life has led me to arrive where I am.
Furthermore, I don't have the energy nor concern to correct the flow of the preceding statement.
~~~
I've gone into details already about my mother-in-law and my friend, both of whom are not faring well. Someone IRL said to me, "Aw, what a shame, and so near the holidays." The fuck. Holidays? Holydays?! Any GODDAMN day, asshat. What the fuckingfuck difference does it make if she's sick (or dead) by December 25th? Or maybe sometime in the spring (but not too close to Bunny Day, of course!). And if by "holiday" you mean "Thanksgiving", then let's observe the giving of thanks TO EACH OTHER for the small, everyday moments we give and share with one another, because *that*, my friends, is what makes the world go 'round. *That* is what creates our realities and shapes our experiences and changes our lives. The 'holy'days as we know them are based purely around pagan observances, and I'm ending my conversation of religion right there.
~~~
One of our - Gerry's - closest friends died on Monday. Natural causes. He was 50. And now he's dead. Just like that. Just stopped breathing.
And that's how it happens. From the elderly person who has finally suffered long enough, to the unborn baby that never got to look into his parent's faces - the heart stops, and you cease to breathe. Just like that. I wonder, under what circumstances, is it easier to accept another's death? When they've struggled and suffered for a long period of time, or when they just go suddenly? A violent accident or a stillbirth? Cancer or old age, or it was just his time. It doesn't matter when they die. They just will. And it will be an inconvenience as the world moves on around us. Life is short. Savor the small things, the little moments, the nothing that is everything. You never know which breath will be your last.
~~~
I had to call G in Virginia to break the news. We talked for an hour. He called me back seven times to relive One More Memory. One More Story. So Many Questions.
The last time they spoke, Gerry told him, hey buddy, next time I'm down that way, I'll stop in to see ya. He never did. Life moved on, we got busy, it wasn't convenient, maybe later, summer came and went, he'd still be there next time... And now he's not. And Gerry is wracked with the guilt of "what ifs" and "should haves".
So we're driving to WV in the morning to celebrate life. Life that Jim was once a part of. Ours.
posted by Julie at 10:43 PM
3 Comments:
The holidays?!?! You have to be making that up. Nobody could be that insensitive. Oh, who am I kidding? Yes they could.
I remember when my father-in-law died. Steve had just talked to him two days earlier and they had been talking about us making our first visit to their new home in Florida (where he had retired to just a year before). And then he was just gone. When we went did make that trip (for his funeral), we were struck by how he was just seemingly plucked up out of his life and our lives were supposed to just sort of ebb and flow into a new path to fill up the empty place where he was supposed to be. I mean, he still had his VCR set to record his favorite shows for that week...surely he couldn't just be GONE.
We're all going to die...that's a fact. And I take an odd sort of comfort in knowing that I won't escape it...that nobody escapes it. The fact that you leave a hole in the lives of the people who are still here when you leave...that's the hard part. I just remind myself that the bigger the hole left behind, the bigger the love you had in your life. And that's a good thing. Right?
I'm sorry. I know you are going through a lot right now. I admire your strength and your kindness. You are an amazing friend. And those of us lucky enough to call you friend love you and appreciate all the love you bring to our lives. Please remember to take care of yourself.
{{{hugs}}}
Dear Julie, I am so sorry about the loss of your friend. Your post expressed it all -- how death is a matter of mundane biology, but how horribly wrenching it is to the fabric of the world.
The holidays thing is just too much. Imagine, not only is my friend battling cancer, but she's really putting a spanner in my Thanksgiving!? You're right -- the holidays, if nothing else, should be a big reminder (if we need one) that life is precious and that we should be thankful for the people we love.
Yes indeed.
I'm sorry you lost your friend. I really hope that 2007 gives you a much deserved break and happiness.
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