Shadows
Sorry I have been quiet lately. Many thanks to those who have checked in on me.
Today marks one year since we lost our little girl. She was bound to be gorgeous, I am sure. And spoiled beyond all measure. 13 weeks with us; I never felt her move. There is a large part of me that wishes we hadn't found out the gender, however, I'm pretty certain it would have bothered me more not to know. We didn't name her. Gerry couldn't deal with making it any more real than it already is. We have had the "perfect" girl name reserved for 18 years now, and I can't bring myself to seal our fate by using it on dead baby.
I've been quite ill with viral gastroenteritis aka one nastymuthafucka of a stomach bug. Nausea, vomiting and diarrhea aside, I feel as if I have had the shit (literally) beat out of me, and then sucker-punched just for fun. Muscles I didn't know I possessed ache. A lot. You ever throw up SO hard for SO long that it feels like you bruised your ribs? Add whiplash and some IV fluids. Yes, I had to go to the hospital for medication and rehydration. I'm fun like that.
My friend is continuing the chemotherapy, because the cancer has now been located in her liver as well. She has lost all of her hair. The pain medications make her demented. She developed a blood clot in her spleen. I can't be around her while I'm sick.
My mother-in-law is settling in at the nursing home. My sister-in-law, on the other hand, seems to think I have ample time and desire to visit her every day and likes to spread the guilt on real thick and gooey. It's not my fault she didn't listen to us five years ago and consider a personal care home when she needed it back then. The transition would have been a bit easier.
And, of course, while I haven't been posting, I have been reading. My heart goes out to so many of you as you continue your own personal struggles. Please know I do care, albeit in silence.
Today marks one year since we lost our little girl. She was bound to be gorgeous, I am sure. And spoiled beyond all measure. 13 weeks with us; I never felt her move. There is a large part of me that wishes we hadn't found out the gender, however, I'm pretty certain it would have bothered me more not to know. We didn't name her. Gerry couldn't deal with making it any more real than it already is. We have had the "perfect" girl name reserved for 18 years now, and I can't bring myself to seal our fate by using it on dead baby.
I've been quite ill with viral gastroenteritis aka one nastymuthafucka of a stomach bug. Nausea, vomiting and diarrhea aside, I feel as if I have had the shit (literally) beat out of me, and then sucker-punched just for fun. Muscles I didn't know I possessed ache. A lot. You ever throw up SO hard for SO long that it feels like you bruised your ribs? Add whiplash and some IV fluids. Yes, I had to go to the hospital for medication and rehydration. I'm fun like that.
My friend is continuing the chemotherapy, because the cancer has now been located in her liver as well. She has lost all of her hair. The pain medications make her demented. She developed a blood clot in her spleen. I can't be around her while I'm sick.
My mother-in-law is settling in at the nursing home. My sister-in-law, on the other hand, seems to think I have ample time and desire to visit her every day and likes to spread the guilt on real thick and gooey. It's not my fault she didn't listen to us five years ago and consider a personal care home when she needed it back then. The transition would have been a bit easier.
And, of course, while I haven't been posting, I have been reading. My heart goes out to so many of you as you continue your own personal struggles. Please know I do care, albeit in silence.
posted by Julie at 11:04 PM
6 Comments:
You don't do anything by half measures do you? I'm sorry you've been so sick and that you have had the added stresses and sadness of your friend'd illness, your daughter's loss and a frail old lady's issues to boot. Seems to me you've had quite the kicking and I hope you get to tend to your poor self soon ((hugs))
Thinking of you on your baby girl's birthday. I can't believe it's been a year already! It's nice to hear from you. Take care of yourself -- I hope you feel better soon! (((Big hug)))
I've had the very same thoughts about the "perfect" girl's name since we did use ours up, per se. Maybe that was the best, if not only gift, I could give her.
I'm sorry that life seems to be piling up into a clusterfuck of blech. I think of you every day and check on your blog as often.
So sorry for all you have had to deal with lately.
On the puking part, have you blown any blood vessels in your eyes yet? I did that back in my younger, foolish drink like a fish days. Woke up the next day with one eye that was white around the iris and red around the other. Very attractive to go to a staff meeting at work like that. Hope you feel better soon.
I know what you mean about the perfect names, I have them picked I just need to get a kid to tag them too.
*hugs*
My mother was sick like that this summer, she told me about the bruised rib feeling...while I've never felt it I symphathize.
Thinking of you and your little girl....i hope you get better soon.
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