Everything's better with gravy
So it is with great humility that I am sitting down to a steaming plate of crow, drenched in gravy, and a chunk of cheese with my whine.
I am at once sad and indifferent, then panged with guilt at such ambivalence.
For all that loss and grief has taught me, I can't help but dredge up the old "I must have caused it" mentality - and that's just nuts. Besides being delusional that any mere mortal could possibly influence the outcome of anything, really, my casual discussion of any situation does not transcend time and circumstance to willfully create a condition out of malice.
The story, in a nutshell, is that the baby born to my niece has a heart defect, and I feel like a real shit for having complained about his fucked up parent(s).
The baby has two conditions which are not terribly, life-threateningly serious; and one which will require surgery, likely after toddler-hood. He has a ven.tricular s.eptal defe.ct, which The Boy also had, and closed before one year of age; they suspect the same will hold true for this child. He also has a bic.usp.id ao.rtic va.lve, which will not cause him an awful amount of problems throughout life, but is not a great thing to have, either. The worst of his problems lies in the c.oarct.ation of his ao.rta, which is not letting enough blood through to his descending arteries and lower body. He is at risk for ane.urysms, poor circulation to his legs & kidneys (etc.), and too high of blood pressure to his brain. Currently, the V_S.D is causing him most difficulty, in eating and tiring easily (due to poor oxyg.enation of his blood), so that he doesn't cry much and sleeps alot.
The Family is not in complete denial about all of this, opting instead to freak right the hell out and make it to be just a wee bit more dramatic than necessary. The niece, however - the baby's mother - quips in that she's glad, at least, that he's easy to care for, "he's so relaxed".
I am at an impasse. I want to comfort her, I feel sorry for the baby, sorry that she has to deal with this... and at the same time I want to slap the living shit right out of her stupid little head. On the one hand we have the family members whom have never had to deal with a single thing gone wrong in all their procreativity, and on the other hand we have me, who has not a damn thing to do with any of this and shouldn't even be involved. We have a sick baby who will be okay, living with people of questionable intelligence, and then there's me.
Why do I make this about me? I have little answer for that, besides the fact that I am a self-centered drama queen who needs to be coddled.
And before I say anything else that digs me into a hole, I will end my rant now.
As a parting gift, I will direct your attention to a nifty website regarding idioms:
World Wide Words. Enjoy.
Frequently searched for terms have been mutated.
I am at once sad and indifferent, then panged with guilt at such ambivalence.
For all that loss and grief has taught me, I can't help but dredge up the old "I must have caused it" mentality - and that's just nuts. Besides being delusional that any mere mortal could possibly influence the outcome of anything, really, my casual discussion of any situation does not transcend time and circumstance to willfully create a condition out of malice.
The story, in a nutshell, is that the baby born to my niece has a heart defect, and I feel like a real shit for having complained about his fucked up parent(s).
The baby has two conditions which are not terribly, life-threateningly serious; and one which will require surgery, likely after toddler-hood. He has a ven.tricular s.eptal defe.ct, which The Boy also had, and closed before one year of age; they suspect the same will hold true for this child. He also has a bic.usp.id ao.rtic va.lve, which will not cause him an awful amount of problems throughout life, but is not a great thing to have, either. The worst of his problems lies in the c.oarct.ation of his ao.rta, which is not letting enough blood through to his descending arteries and lower body. He is at risk for ane.urysms, poor circulation to his legs & kidneys (etc.), and too high of blood pressure to his brain. Currently, the V_S.D is causing him most difficulty, in eating and tiring easily (due to poor oxyg.enation of his blood), so that he doesn't cry much and sleeps alot.
The Family is not in complete denial about all of this, opting instead to freak right the hell out and make it to be just a wee bit more dramatic than necessary. The niece, however - the baby's mother - quips in that she's glad, at least, that he's easy to care for, "he's so relaxed".
I am at an impasse. I want to comfort her, I feel sorry for the baby, sorry that she has to deal with this... and at the same time I want to slap the living shit right out of her stupid little head. On the one hand we have the family members whom have never had to deal with a single thing gone wrong in all their procreativity, and on the other hand we have me, who has not a damn thing to do with any of this and shouldn't even be involved. We have a sick baby who will be okay, living with people of questionable intelligence, and then there's me.
Why do I make this about me? I have little answer for that, besides the fact that I am a self-centered drama queen who needs to be coddled.
And before I say anything else that digs me into a hole, I will end my rant now.
As a parting gift, I will direct your attention to a nifty website regarding idioms:
World Wide Words. Enjoy.
Frequently searched for terms have been mutated.
posted by Julie at 12:58 AM
7 Comments:
A guy I used to work for was fond of the phrase "let that be the problem", e.g. "Sir, we have so many orders coming in that the computers have all spontaneously combusted." As horrible it is for your niece's baby to have medical problems, at least he is alive and treatable, right? I'd much rather that you had to deal with that kind of problem, instead of the lifelong grief of losing Nicholas. I don't think you're self-centered. It's hard not to look at any parents with babies and not think about how you might do things differently, if only we had the chance. (I hope that made sense -- I'm fighting a migraine and my thoughts aren't as clear as they might be!)
That made perfect sense, and I'm glad you got the gist of what I meant. As often as I go back to read this post, it makes me feel so small and petty and confused, like maybe I'm not making any sense to anyone else either. Thanks for getting it - and me.
:-)
Julie:
Just wanted to add in my support. When my husband and I tried for so many months and were unable to conceive, I felt similarly about anyone who even got a positive beta -- even if things went badly later. It's not logical, but it how you feel. You are entitled to those feelings (and those expressed in your posts a couple down) and I hope expressing them here somehow helps. This must be an incredibly tough time right now -- and I am sending you strength to get through it.
The whole point of you having a blog is so it *can* be all about you. I think we all understand that for the most part the needy drama queen selves stay in cyberspace.
As for the true point of what you are saying, it totally sucks that the baby is unwell but sucks even more that such a fragile little one can be left with such morons when someone like you should have had the chance to mother your baby.
Don't feel petty or small or mean. That child's illness didn't happen because of you(obviously) and Nick's death sucks independently of the way the baby's illness sucks. Ahhh, families ((hugs))
I don't know what else to say except I empathise. For me the point of writing a blog is for it to be all about me so the stuff that leaks onto the blog doesn't leak out into the "real world".
Your prior post about your niece and her baby obviously had nothing to do with his current health situation. Has she even wondered if what had happened might be because of something *SHE* did?
I'm angry at her, and I don't know her and she has no impact on my life. This child will need someone with a functioning brain to make sure that his doctors appointments are kept and when he gets older he doesn't get made to feel as if he's a burden to his parents.
He may have drawn the short straw on his health for now, but he has you to be related to. That counts for a lot.
The fact that the baby has health issues doesn't change what a screw up your neice is and has been. Most of us earn our reputations and it sounds like hers is well-earned. You can be sorry for the baby's health situation and still think she's an idiot. The two aren't mutually exclusive. I mean, even if the baby weren't sick, you'd still feel sorry for it wouldn't you? And you'd still be angry that you didn't get the chance that they're getting. I know I would.
Post a Comment
<< Home