Update and explanation(s)

The update to this never-ending saga is thus: my fellow infertile is actively pursuing treatment! Good for her! Her MIL mentioned having to drive her to Big City General, "either today or Saturday; Monday might be too late, I'm not sure"; as the overheard conversation continued, she said, "it all depends on when she ovulates. I've got my cellphone charged and ready!" At this point, curiosity ate a hole in my boundaries and I just HAD to ask, of course. She had no details, and believe or not, I do have enough couth not to pry further. Missy had initially shared with me her struggle, and sought advice. Somewhere along the line she became very private, in that she didn't talk about it to anyone but her own mother (and husband, and physician, but you get my point). MIL said she just learned about it the other day, herself. I have to sit back and laugh, however, because now that we have two confirmed pregnancies and three others trying their damnedest to get there, too, it's almost like a fucking contest at work. My boss is fretting about how she's going to staff when everyone's out on maternity leave, and I cynically wonder which one I'll be consoling when their rose-colored world turns gray. There are those who are so convinced that trying = success, they can't possibly imagine the alternatives; they believe that "I want a baby" means nine months from now they will have one. As such, for every other person I work with, the potential five pregnancies this winter means a stressful summer/fall for everyone. Period. On the flip side, in the years prior to my own losses, I know that there is usually at least one that doesn't cross the finish line. It's just checks and balances, simple chance, the way things work. When I was expecting The Boy, there were NINE of us in my division due within two months of each other. Eight of us completed the task, including one mother delivering a profoundly handicapped twin. The 9th lost hers in the fifth month. All I'm saying is, there is room for error. Shit happens. You just don't expect it until it happens to you, and then you are always on the look-out for more shit. Hey! Here's some now!


I received an email from someone desperately bored and brimming with desire to put me in my place. I had previously assumed that my place was this blog, where I discuss my business, (and generously make it your business, too). I was cautioned to try to be a little less bitter and maybe not so condescending and brash - who do I think I am, anyway? Is my self-esteem so very high I feel like I can insult others and wish them harm?


What? (?!)


Everyone has their own battles in life; perhaps seeing past your own troubles will help you to be more accepting of others.


Huh?


Egotistical... blahblahblah... hateful... blahblahblah... whatevah.


For starters, let me be clear about this one thing: my blog, my thoughts. Don't read it if I offend you. If something I say does offend you to your very core, you likely are not someone I would value as a confidant and friend. Therefore, we can cut both our losses and move on.


I will go further to state that what explodes out of me in this medium is in no way representative of my public demeanor. And yes, I am quite sure of that. Just like most of us who have lived and experienced life and interactions with real people in the real world, one must know how to behave in social situations. Everyone has two sides, and that is the beauty of blogging, journaling, or having close friends you can talk to; it allows you to get out the scary, bad, hateful thoughts with minimal risk of doing actual harm. At work I must be therapeutic, nurturing, and level-headed. At home, I might let a little bit of the bitch seep out, but then I have to clean up after myself. On here, I can dump a hot load of bitch any time I damn well please, and feel pretty fucking good about it, thank you very much. Think of it as therapy. Primal scream, anyone?


I have never wished anyone harm. I do wish others would be slightly more aware of the hell that does exist. Not "might" as in maybe, nor "will" as in absolute; just "does" It is there, it is real, and it does occur indiscriminately to anyone at any time. Be prepared. I don't sugar coat shit; I advocate for the removal of blinders in sensitive situations. Bear in mind that I have not approached an unsuspecting innocent and completely blindsided them with negativity. Very little of my reality-based information has come unsolicited. If someone approaches me with a question or comment that requires a response, I am then allowed an appropriate opportunity to share. More often than not, it is happy and positive; hopeful if you will.



Anonymous assumes that I am petty and perhaps entitled in the way I view who is deserving and who is not. I suppose I am. There, I'll admit it. To this day, I still can't comprehend "why" crack whores squeeze out kid after unwanted kid while those of us who have been to hell and back multiple times can't catch a break. In the case of my coworker - who is decidedly *not* a crack whore - (and now tells us she wasn't really *trying* but wasn't exactly preventing either) - she was "surprised" when she got pregnant and had to talk her husband into embracing the idea of another mouth to feed... I do still wonder "why" her? Why not someone who is more prepared, willing, and able to care for a new bundle of joy? Not just me, but what about Missy? She is young, healthy, stable... the randomness of it all is frustrating. I don't really feel as though my currently-pregnant coworker is less deserving, I know she has lots of love to give. What I don't want to hear are the increased complaints about finances, babysitter woes, lack of sleep, ad nauseum, while Missy and I would give our left tit for those same problems. To be fair - how many fat, stupid, poor women do you know who are aggressively trying to get (and stay) pregnant? Just seems to happen naturally, doesn't it?

So, yes, that bothers me just a little bit.