Okay with it
One of the ladies I work with has miscarried. Fourteen weeks into her pregnancy, (at her first appointment), they discovered that the embryo stopped growing at 6w. Her body just didn't realize it. Neither did she, as her lack of symptoms just seemed okay. She said she didn't know any better, but she's okay with it. She was able to avoid a d&c with the administration of cytotec. She said that since it had been 10 years since her last pregnancy, she had forgotten what to expect, and hoped that maybe her body was just cleaning out and preparing for the next one to stick, as she intends to try again. She said other than the intense bleeding, she really wasn't too bothered by it.
"It's not like we were trying or anything; it really wasn't planned."
Now, I know that miscarriages happen all the time, to anybody.
And I know that not everyone has to try hard to get pregnant.
I also understand that one hasn't had sufficient time to "bond" with the baby that early in the pregnancy.
{For instance, my loss at 13 weeks hurt most because it was right on the heels of losing Nicholas. Yes, I ache for what could have been, but I wasn't as emotionally invested in the pregnancy yet. I think the news that I'd lost a little girl that time hurt more than the fact I had lost another child.}
Certainly, I don't expect everyone to react with complete hysterics at the news of a loss.
I don't even feel that everyone needs to cry.
But her nonchalance has me puzzled. And I don't know why.
Perhaps it's because she doesn't struggle with infertility. She chose not to have another child between her firstborn and this loss. She has a new-ish husband, who is much older, and again I must point out (yes, this is a different woman than the co-worker I spoke of before), the husband was "shocked and worried" because he didn't really want/need more kids. She's all like "Oh well, no big deal", and I honestly believe that is her stance. I can't read anyone's mind, but if you knew this gal, you'd understand that she is truly unfazed.
I swear I don't have some sick need for her to be a blubbering mess. I don't. And I know that my own frustrations don't amount to a hill of beans to someone who hasn't been there.
There's nothing you can do about it.
Move on.
Get over it.
Shit happens.
So, why does this even warrant any thought on my part?
You've all had losses - do you find the unemotional "Eh, oh well!" behavior a little weird?
I won't even ask if maybe I'm just nuts. 'Cuz we all know the answer to that one.
"It's not like we were trying or anything; it really wasn't planned."
Now, I know that miscarriages happen all the time, to anybody.
And I know that not everyone has to try hard to get pregnant.
I also understand that one hasn't had sufficient time to "bond" with the baby that early in the pregnancy.
{For instance, my loss at 13 weeks hurt most because it was right on the heels of losing Nicholas. Yes, I ache for what could have been, but I wasn't as emotionally invested in the pregnancy yet. I think the news that I'd lost a little girl that time hurt more than the fact I had lost another child.}
Certainly, I don't expect everyone to react with complete hysterics at the news of a loss.
I don't even feel that everyone needs to cry.
But her nonchalance has me puzzled. And I don't know why.
Perhaps it's because she doesn't struggle with infertility. She chose not to have another child between her firstborn and this loss. She has a new-ish husband, who is much older, and again I must point out (yes, this is a different woman than the co-worker I spoke of before), the husband was "shocked and worried" because he didn't really want/need more kids. She's all like "Oh well, no big deal", and I honestly believe that is her stance. I can't read anyone's mind, but if you knew this gal, you'd understand that she is truly unfazed.
I swear I don't have some sick need for her to be a blubbering mess. I don't. And I know that my own frustrations don't amount to a hill of beans to someone who hasn't been there.
There's nothing you can do about it.
Move on.
Get over it.
Shit happens.
So, why does this even warrant any thought on my part?
You've all had losses - do you find the unemotional "Eh, oh well!" behavior a little weird?
I won't even ask if maybe I'm just nuts. 'Cuz we all know the answer to that one.
posted by Julie at 10:18 PM
6 Comments:
Hmmm, interesting. Maybe it's my gnat-like attention span but anything for three months is a reasonable amount of time out of your life. It's certainly enough time to have thought over a life changing circumstance and follow it through to what the consequences will mean to you, your life etc...
BUT, I have known plenty of people who aren't fazed by loss. At the risk of sounding terribly snobby, it has usually been people who have lived pretty animalistic existences where sex isn't about love or in relationships. She doesn't sound like that though. I think maybe it really does come down to the degree of struggle involved in the first place. Good for her, I suppose.
I think your (and ours) experiences have colored what we typically consider an "appropriate" response to a miscarriage. She obviously wasn't emotionally vested since she didn't notice that there was a complete lack of changes in her body. In a strange way it angers me that it meant so little to her.
On another level, I'm envious of her ability to "move on".
I wonder about people. Is she really as unfeeling as all that? or is she putting on a good show?
I have a cousin who is completely unable to tell right from wrong. He moral structure is nonexistent and I do believe she has been diagnosed with one mental illness or another. Someone like her...I know she doesn't feel a thing. But how many people can really be like that?
I wasn't totally invested in my pregnancy with Travis. There were no real crying hysterics over his passing like there were with Alex. But still...there was SOMETHING...still is. It's a lingering sadness that I am able to compartmentalize, but it still occasionally catches me off guard.
If anything, I think that quite a few women who have never had any OB/GYN complications (including infertility) are hit quite hard by a miscarriage. To me it seems that the more complications we have experienced the more protective we get of our sanity, and the more we are prepared for bad news. But maybe I am wrong.
I don't know how I feel. I guess to each his own. But we were sort of in the same spot last spring. Well go check it out yourself:
www.sneakylittlebugger.blogspot.com
We are heartbroken still.
I agree with dd...I think those of us who have had, let's say....less than the perfect journey to parenthood.... are a bit colored. I'm equally amazed when someone goes about their pregnancy oblivious to what can go wrong - at any time (and even more amazed when nothing does go wrong!)
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