Thomas woz there
Perhaps I need someone to lead the way out. My very good friend Jill found the door and backed out quietly. She left the lights on, and couple of house plants over here that need watering, but took all the damn furniture. So now what?
I've been thinking for a while that there's really no use for my own blog anymore. My work life has taken over any semblance of a personal life, in actuality. What I have to offer here is basic pissing and moaning that in no way reflects the dear god please help save me from myself urgency that initiated my tome.
Am I cured? Fixed? Healed? All better now?
Fuck. NO.
I'm every bit as crazy and then some. I still cry, almost daily.
I'm not "cycling"; I can't call this an infertility blog.
A "loss" blog, yes, but people tire of hearing sad stories and I sure as hell can't make it any more entertaining.
A "life" blog? Well, maybe. But I'd have to change a few things here and there, I suppose. I feel very compartmentalized. While the whole of me encompasses all the varieties of experiences in my life, I still feel some sick need to keep things separate. This is the everyday me. This is the work me. This is the crushed by life's unfair treatment and why the fuck can't I cry if I want to me.
To be honest with myself, I haven't moved on. I added more baggage to the closet upstairs, and am shopping for some storage organizers. I'm not quite ready for the garage sale.
My name is Julie, and I'm a professional hoarder.
Soon, perhaps, I'll be ready to turn a corner, flip the page, write the conclusion. Maybe. But not yet. If I allow myself the time and the heartache, there is so much I have left to say. About everything, nothing, and all things in between. For now, denial and silence seem to be working in my favor. Go me!
Jill, my love, my pal down-under... I am so pleased that you are in the place where you need to be now. You go, girl. Rock on.
I've been thinking for a while that there's really no use for my own blog anymore. My work life has taken over any semblance of a personal life, in actuality. What I have to offer here is basic pissing and moaning that in no way reflects the dear god please help save me from myself urgency that initiated my tome.
Am I cured? Fixed? Healed? All better now?
Fuck. NO.
I'm every bit as crazy and then some. I still cry, almost daily.
I'm not "cycling"; I can't call this an infertility blog.
A "loss" blog, yes, but people tire of hearing sad stories and I sure as hell can't make it any more entertaining.
A "life" blog? Well, maybe. But I'd have to change a few things here and there, I suppose. I feel very compartmentalized. While the whole of me encompasses all the varieties of experiences in my life, I still feel some sick need to keep things separate. This is the everyday me. This is the work me. This is the crushed by life's unfair treatment and why the fuck can't I cry if I want to me.
To be honest with myself, I haven't moved on. I added more baggage to the closet upstairs, and am shopping for some storage organizers. I'm not quite ready for the garage sale.
My name is Julie, and I'm a professional hoarder.
Soon, perhaps, I'll be ready to turn a corner, flip the page, write the conclusion. Maybe. But not yet. If I allow myself the time and the heartache, there is so much I have left to say. About everything, nothing, and all things in between. For now, denial and silence seem to be working in my favor. Go me!
Jill, my love, my pal down-under... I am so pleased that you are in the place where you need to be now. You go, girl. Rock on.
posted by Julie at 9:44 PM
6 Comments:
Well thank you so muchly! You know, I almost emailed you first but I didn't want to piss about and procrastinate lol. I was hanging on to that space for all the same reasons you listed and I feel a new sense of loss that those records are all gone now.
HOWEVER, it isn't me now and I need to reinvent myself and step into my own 'brave new world' without the baggage. That's not to say that I'm ditching the experience or the mark it left on me because it was that whole journey that has led me to this point in my life where I'm learning to do something I love. It's not ALL baggage my friend;)
With your permission then, I shall now ROCK ON!!!
OK...I can not handle two of these in one day! And don't ya know it's all ABOUT ME?!?! lol!
So since I'm all about stalking you both, you better email or call me...unless you don't want to...in which case I guess I'll just go on feeling all rejected and unloved...
(yep...all about me)
I have a story to tell about your blog and how much you mean to me. But I think I'll write it on my own space since this one is in danger of disappearing. :o)
I love you!
I think every one has and will deal with their blogs when they are done in different ways. I personally can not wait to be done, but I trudge on. Eventually I will put everything into a Blurb book and leave the posts on all of my blogs around for as long as the internet will have them.
I wish that the tears weren't there as much as they are for you, Julie. I wish there was more peace than anger. But you and I both know that wishes are just that. Until I'm told otherwise by you, I will be here.
Julie, I am so glad you posted again - even if it is for the last time. You have been in my thoughts. And will continue to be.
take good care.
Oh, Julie.
I have no words, except that you are a beautiful person, even with the tears.
I send you hugs and wish this wasn't good-bye but a "see you later".
Diana @ Stuck in Elmo's World
Just seeing this now, after getting your comment on mine. I can really understand being on the fence on what to do with your blog. It is great to be able to hear what's going on with you, so I have selfish reasons for wanting you to keep going :) But I know what you mean about needing a new direction for it. Like you, I've still got tons of baggage about everything that's happened, but I certainly don't talk about "loss issues" as much as I used to. And since I'm out of the procreation game altogether, I don't fall into the infertility niche, either. I think I'm just going to leave my blog up for the time being and update it on the rare occasion that inspiration strikes. I keep thinking that some of the older posts may be of use to someone with a new loss, so I won't pull the plug on it entirely yet.
Regarding my plans, we're going to be moving to London at the end of this year or early next. The seedlings I planted are just some annuals! It's still all kind of vague, but we should get things firmed up soon. I'm sure I'll have lots to blog about once the plans are in place :)
Shoot me an email sometime (ann.howellATgmail.com) so we can stay in touch no matter what happens!
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