Saturday, August 28, 2010

The highlight reel, and some retrospect

I had posted a long, drawn-out, detailed account of yesterday's happenings at the old Stirrup Corral, but decided that would best be kept in my personal archives. Nobody really wants to know all the details. Thus, I will give you only the key points.

The little one was still floating in the amniotic sack, like a little oval water balloon, about the size of a 'jumbo' egg from your local friendly supermarket.

It was "right there, almost through the cervix" when I assumed the position. As such, there was no 'procedure' required.

I asked, and was allowed, to view the contents, which I found very interesting from a biology standpoint. The baby was about the size/shape of two tiny peanuts or a whole cashew.

Placenta sent for genetics, everything else sent to pathology. Will be a few weeks before we know anything.

I believe that in viewing the "specimen", as it was, is on some level disengaging my psyche from dwelling on this as losing another "child". I know that probably sounds quite odd to most people, but for those of you who know me, I feel assured you probably understand, or are at least trying to. Dissociation and all.

Even though whatever pregnancy hormones I had are still around at lowish levels, I am finding the sudden drop in the massive progesterone intake has all but ceased any 'symptoms' I had experienced. My boobs aren't nearly as achy, and the gas seems to be dissipating. (Sorry, to those in my immediate vicinity). I am much less tired, but still rather weepy. And a little bit crabby. (Can I blame that on the hormones? Really? Cool.)

In hindsight, some of those that knew about the pregnancy, and now the loss, have told me that I "just didn't look well, or healthy". The husband of a friend told her a couple of weeks ago that he thought something didn't seem right, shouldn't I have that 'pregnancy glow', or at least not look like the walking dead? And he was right. I mean, early pregnancy symptoms are one thing, outright miserable-ness is something else. And now that it's all over, I have to admit I feel less 'toxic', overall. Funny that *I* didn't pick up on the "this seems too excessive, something must not be right" vibe.

The baby died, by measurements, at just shy of 8 weeks. So, maybe carrying around a dead fetus for a month can do weird things to one's body. One (good?) thing about it being an early loss, is I'm not (yet) experiencing the lactation experience. The one I lost at 13w (that actually WAS 13 wks) did involve some slight leakage and firmness in the old girls, but this one has not, for which I am grateful.

I'm still a wee bit crampy as the Uterus of Doom attempts to shrink back and clamp down. (I'm visualizing an Iron Maiden or a venus flytrap). Hardly any spotting, and just a little mucous discharge (lochia, perhaps?).

I'm enjoying better living through pharmacology while I have a few days off work.

Thank you all for your supportive responses. I really do appreciate all my friends and fellow sisters-in-loss. It really does soften the suckage factor to know someone understands.


Blogger Thalia said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Julie. It is just miserable, every, every time.

Sat Aug 28, 04:17:00 PM EDT  
Blogger OHN said...

I stopped by via Mama Said.

I have been where you are right now (four times actually) and it is horrid. Ironically, I COMPLETELY understand your wanting to view. I wanted to, and they wouldn't let me. I'm still pissed at myself for not insisting.

We also went through multiple karyotyings and all that garbage that in the end, really didn't make me feel any better. We did get a somewhat reason for the losses. Apparently, I was not able to carry female babies. Go figure. Never heard of that before, but since, have heard that is it fairly common to only be able to carry one sex or the other.

I am really hoping that your husbands reaction is temporary. It is hard enough dealing with the losses, but to add the stress of not being on the same page is more than you need right now.

If this old woman can tell you anything, is that it is worth trying again (and again and again) until YOU decide you are done, or are content with the way things are. You don't want to look back and wonder if you should have done "more" or have any regrets. Those can be more painful than the crap you are dealing with now.

There are so many of us out here that completely understand all the emotional and physical shit you are dealing with right now. Just know that we care too.

Sun Aug 29, 08:49:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Julie said...

I'm so sorry Julie. I am actually right there with you, only still waiting for the physical part to be over with. I should be 13w2d right now, instead I have the remnants of yet another dead baby inside of me. I have known since August 13th, and even after a round of Cytotec, I might still have to end up with a d&c. :sigh: Hopefully I will blog about it soon, but honestly, who knows. Anyway, wanted to let you know you aren't alone. I'm so sorry. For both of us.

Sun Aug 29, 10:36:00 PM EDT  

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